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Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s

This is the part where I rant about how much things are derivative now, and excessively link back to previous posts. Just for the record. That should be here. But I’m lazy.

So… Yah. They’re M&M’s… Peanut butter M&M’s obviously, which is a non-original derivitive itself (but freakin’ tasty, and quite possibly my favorite of the ‘semi-original’ M&M… flavors? Are they considered flavors?

Sure. Flavor. Love me some PB M&M’s.

I just realized how much this entry sucked. Sorry about that. I’m sitting here eating these things trying to figure out WTF is wrong with them.

Oh. Um, pictures… Seriously… What the hell is goin on here?

Sorry, sorry.

Pictures. Right. Dude. What IS that flavor? Uh…

Oh. Here’s the package of them.

IMG_1646

And you rip it open, so it says “Peanut Butt” on the one part, and it’s awesome.

IMG_1647

Texture: Standard-issue peanut butter M&M’s going on here.

Taste: I’m still confused. Seriously.

..

DUDE.

CRUNCHBERRIES.

Thank god. That was gonna drive me insane. Ok, so… They taste like Crunch Berries. So, if you can’t find the “Strawberried” PB M&M’s, just grab a bag of regular M&Ms, a box of Crunch Berries… Seperate all the ‘berries’ (or buy the awesome “Oops! All Berries” if it still exists) and throw the whole mess in your mouth. Same exact thing.

Seriously. I’m glad I figured that out. Wow.

JK Score: 6/10 Seriously, Crunch Berries. It’s overpowering, it’s weird, and it doesn’t work. Kinda like Lady Gaga.

Bacon MotherEffin’ Waffles.

BACON.

WAFFLES.

Yes, it’s derivative.

Yes, it’s fucking awesome.

BACON.

WAFFLES.

BACON.  WAFFLE.  DAMMIT.

BACON. WAFFLE. DAMMIT.

I’m not even reviewing these.

10. Done. Awesome.

Taco Bell Beefy 5 Layer Burrito

So, Taco Bell, those masters of re-hash, have done it again. They took something that’s basically exactly the same as 79% of the rest of their menu, threw some nacho cheese sauce on it, a “New!” label, and BAMMO! Nirvana achieved, seas part, balloons fall, profits rise, and I eat it.

In that order.

To be completely honest with you, Taco Bell can really do no wrong in my eyes. They could take some cheese, melt it, wrap it in a tortilla, and I’d gladly eat it and love it, and pay almost a dollar for it, because I… Well, because I do that. And the cheesy roll-up is great. AND I HAVE NO DAMN CLUE WHY.

But I digress.

Not to be confused with its distant cousin, the 7-Layer Burrito, which, while awesome, is one of the few meatless items on the TB menu (ironically, the fat/cal count is the same for both), the TBB5LB (we’re tight, so I’m using his initials) makes its beefy-ness/meaty-ness known… by putting “Beefy” in its title.

It’s not all in a name though. Where the TBB5LB also differs from its wussy vegetarian cousin is in the construction and execution. What the name fails to infor the eater of here, is that yes… there’s 5 layers. Yes, there’s beefy-ness. Yes, it is, in fact, a burrito. What it fails to mention is the addition of NACHO CHEESE SAUCE.

And not only that, but it’s been separated by a secondary tortilla layer of lovin’.

And that, my friends, is awesome. Only because by adding that secondary layer, they’ve completely isolated the nacho cheese taste-sation into its own little realm of awesome. And that’s the coup de gras here. Had they slapped all that crap into a burrito singulartity, I would have to say, “Meh.”

But alas, the clever bastards at Taco Bell have some of the world’s finest food architects on staff apparently. And by howdy, are those mofos smart at stuff.

…Specifically, burrito awesomness. I’m wondering if they get Burrito Awesomeness Awards or something. If they don’t, I will start a petition demanding recognition in this strenuous field.

I’m babbling. Here’s how Taco Bell sees the TBB5LB it their mind’s eye:

5layerpromo

Here’s how I see it after ripping it apart in my own eye:

5layeropen

Texture: Like I said, that extra layer really makes the whole thing. You get to really FEEL the cheese sauce, which is much dirtier-sounding than it really is. I think. Regardless, after that, it’s standard-issue beef/bean/cheese/cream burrito action.

Taste: One last time, that nacho sauce makes the whole damn thing. MAKES IT AWESOME, I mean. Yah, it’s good. I dig it.

JK Score: 9/10 Let the record show, that for $0.89, you get actually a fair amount of awesome. I was surprised at how big this dude was. It’s a new era in cheap nasty tastiness.

Bissli Falafel Flavored Wheat Party Snacks

You know what I freakin’ love?

Wheat party snacks from Israel that are flavored like fried chickpeas… AND ARE FUCKING VAMPIRES.

Seriously. So good.

Oh. AND VAMPIRE-ISH. Like, you know, as in the blood-sucking dudes who get killed by Blade? (Or Buffy, pick your poison). I’m talking real, hardcore, honest to jeebus vampiric Tel Aviv-sourced party snacks here, people. None of this Twilight crap. REAL. VAMPIRE. WHEAT. SNACKS.

Oh, and they’re cholesterol free too. Which is always nice, because the last thing you want when you’re dying by the hands of a Falafel-flavored Nosferatu is high cholesterol. No one wants that combo.

Oh, the photographical tour of bla bla bla whatever is in order, I reckon.

Peep this. It’s a bag of the crap I’m fixin’ to eat.

Bag O' Falafel... thingers.  AND DEATH.

Bag O' Falafel... thingers. AND DEATH.

The individual harbringers of doom and blood-suckiness are individually pretty small. Sorta like FUCKING VAMPIRE BATS. DON’T THINK IT’S A COINCIDENCE.

Aw, so cute and innocent and blood-sucky.

Aw, so cute and innocent and blood-sucky.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking now. I’ll even put it in presumptuous quotes. Check it.

“Oh, but JK, why ever do you declare these seemingly normal and delicious-looking snacks to be of the blood-sucking variety, by chance?”

Simple, my fair… uh, I guess southern-belle-talking-person in my head..

Peep it.

A WITCH!  er... A VAMPIRE!  BURN IT!

A WITCH! er... A VAMPIRE! BURN IT!

There you have it. Indisputable evidence that these snacks are undead and “vant your blaaad.”

Or, alternatively, I’m an idiot and was reaching desperately for some hook/premise after looking at these damn things in my pantry for a couple months trying to figure out some angle to work.

Take your pick.

Texture: Definitely on the crunchy side, and kinda dense. But to be fair, these came from flippin’ Israel, sat on a store shelf for who-knows-how-the-hell long, and then in my pantry for another 6 months. So they’re probably just stale. Lucky for me, they don’t believe in expiration dates in Israel. So we’ll never know.

Taste: It took me a while to figure this one out. Starts off as a very, very bland Funyun , and kinda lingers and hangs out for a bit, then tastes like a bit like Falafel at the very end.

JK Score: 7/10 I’m basing this on the fact that I like Funyuns and Flalfel, your mileage may vary. I’ll disregard the vampire aspect for the sake of keeping scores fair across the board. I’d eat these again.

Snickers Fu***

I’ve had it up to here with the censorship in America today.

If those brilliant bastards at Mars want to sell a Snickers Fuck, they should be able to. Why they tried putting out a candy bar called Snickers Fuck, I have no idea. But “The Man” shouldn’t be keeping fine purveyors of chocololate-liciousness bound by stupid censorship regulations. This is a free country, dammit.

Here’s the crap I’m talking about:

IMG_1439

Oh wait. It smells like fudge. Oh. Shit. I get it. Nevermind.

So… Uh… Snickers Fudge. New angle. Um… “Yah, hey, how about all those damn Snickers variants?”

I feel like I’ve been down this road before.

Oh. That’s right. I have. Here. And here.

You know what’s weird? I don’t even like Snickers that much. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with em, but I can’t think of any time I’ve actually craved one.

Oh well. Let’s cut this open, eat it, and rate it. Or something.

IMG_1440 [tje]

So, basically, they took a Snickers… Removed the caramel… And put in MOTHERFUDGING FUDGE.

High hopes, I has them.

I’m goin in.

Texture: Caramel is one of those things that’s pretty fundamental about a Snickers. Remove that, and it doesn’t feel like a Snickers anymore. The fudge layer is pretty soft luckily, but it’s not the same. The nougat is much more pronounced because of the lack of caramel.

Taste: This bastard is RICH. But it all works. The nougat with the fudge is a bit of an odd combo, but after the first bite, you appreciate it. Almost a mocha-coffee flavor at the end. It’s neat.

JK Score: 9/10 I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t have the biggest sweet tooth in the world. But this thing fudging rules my hiney.

Bacon Gumballs

OK, so I like bacon. I think this much is obvious. I’ve actually had bacon for breakfast both Saturday and Sunday this weekend. My apartment smells of the glory that is bacon, and visitors to my humble abode are both amazed and astounded. “Where did you get that incredible air freshener?”, they ask. To that I say, “Dude. It’s fucking bacon. It rules.”

Then we sit in silence for a minute and ponder the meaning of life, because that’s a common bonding experience among people who smell bacon together. It’s glorious.

Here’s the one problem with bacon being incredibly awesome…

…It’s gone too far.

There. I said it. Due to the widespread popularity and awesome-icity of bacon, “The Man” (you know who you are) is capitalizing on our love, and bacon-izing everything.

At first glance, as a purveyor and appreciator of all things bacon, you’d probably think I’d be on board with this. And I was. But even I have my limits.

I mean, they’re WAY out there, but I have them. Seriously. I think I hit the wall on my bacon experimentation for the time being. I’m going to swear my life to a pure bacon existence, free of gimmicks, and artificial….stuff.
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I present to you, Xzibit A:

Bacon Gumballs.

Yup. I’m serious. See?

So sweet and innocent...

So sweet and innocent...

And then inside, we have all 22 of the little bastards accounted for.

They smell horrible.  I can't think of a witty caption, they just smell like ass.

They smell horrible. I can't think of a witty caption, they just smell like ass.

Upon opening the tin, you get the smell of… Ass. Seriously. These things smell god-awful. And strong. I seriously could see a weak-stomached person puking after taking a deep whiff of these bastards. I’ve got a strong-ass gag reflex, and I can’t stand smelling these. Wow. I can’t wait to put one in my mouth.

Woo!!!

Luckily, they’re tiny.

Texture: Well, for the 2 seconds it was in my mouth, it felt like a normal, run-of-the-mill gumball. OF DEATH.

Taste: The video above speaks for itself. Fucking horrible. Wow. I’ll have nightmares about that.

JK Score: 0/10 Yep. The only reason I’d hold onto the rest of these is to let my drunk friends try. When they’re really drunk. And need to vomit. Or if they piss me off. Wow.

Canned Bacon (Tactical Bacon)

You know, I’m no marketing genius, but give me an item like canned bacon, and I’d be all like, “Dude.”

Then I’d come up with something pretty damn amazing and catchy. Like..

Wait for it…

BaCAN. Cuz… It’s bacon. In a can. Bay-can.

The ad copy practically writes itself.

“Now, you can enjoy the farm-fresh taste of… like.. bacon… Anywhere, on the go… As long as you have a can opener. Introducing BaCAN, the… stuff… that’s… well, it’s fucking bacon… in a can. Get ya some! UNGOWA! Snap into a Slim Jim!”

Though, I think there may be a non-compete with the Slim Jim people. Maybe instead of Macho Man, we could get the Iron Sheik. He’s not really doing much these days, except… well, going insane.

So there’s that.

Oh! Carrot Top. He loves bacon. No… Wait. Not Carrot Top. Jim Gaffigan. I always get those confused. Jim Gaffigan, now that dude loves bacon.

So here’s the pitch. Jim Gaffigan fights Carrot Top and The Iron Sheik in a cage match. Winner take bacon. In a can. BaCAN.

Yah? Yah?

Shit.

Day job maintained.

Anyway, so yah. I have some freaking canned bacon on my desk here, courtesy of my good friends at http://www.thinkgeek.com. (Full Disclosure: they’re not actually my friends, and I had to pay for the bacon in a can, so it wasn’t really courtesy of them, they just sold it to me. Just sayin’.)

Here’s the can…

BaCAN!!!

BaCAN!!!

Here’s the wittyness on the backside… (Band name?)

Funny, my hands are still wet...

Funny, my hands are still wet...

Oh! The government said it’s OK to eat as well! Bonus!

Uncle Sam wants YOU... To... Eat... This?

Uncle Sam wants YOU... To... Eat... This?

So… Yah.

Then the unveiling… At which point, well… Just watch.

A few greasy, awkward moments later…

And here’s the final product in all it’s bacony glory…

Regrets...  I've had a few...

Mistakes... I've made a few...

And then I ate it. Because, obviously. Shit.

Texture: For all the grease found in/on the can, the bacon itself was suprisingly not-super-greasy. Not like good, thick-cut stuff either, really had the consistency of maybe day-old half-warm microwave bacon. Which is to say, not completely horrid, but not amazing either. Definitely on the chewy side. Way chewy.

Taste: It tastes like… Bacon. Mostly. Little bit heavy on the artificial smoke flavor, and somewhat saltier than most bacon I’ve had (all of it). I do keep finding myself snacking on a piece here and there while I finish this entry, so it must not be too bad… but again, that’s one of the intrinsic qualities of bacon; the addictiveness. Also, I’m kinda hungry right now. So I’m sure that’s not helping.

JK Score: 4/10 That’s a hard call. If I’m judging it strictly against other canned items I’ve had in my life, it’s… well, it’s freakin’ bacon, so it gets points based on merit alone. If I’m judging it against actual food? It’s not great. It’s not horrible, make-me-vom either, which I’m honestly pretty damn suprised at given the can opening. So, you know, I’d definitely take it hiking/camping/Apocolypsing. But I’d rather nuke up some crappy microwave bacon for my own personal use any day of the week.

Update: I had to go back and knock it down to 4/10, because 20 minutes, a beer and a cig later, I still have the FaCon (fake bacon!) flavor in my mouth. And it sucks.

Ok, now to de-grease my camera/hands/desk/apartment.

Mo’s Bacon Bar

You got your bacon in my chocolate!

You got your chocolate in my bacon!

Two great tastes that taste great together… Right?

Right?

Right!?!

Hell if I know. I’m just a simple man, born and raised in Corn Field, Illinois.

So, by association, I apparently like the simple things in life… Trucks… Corn… Meat… Cheap… beer… Dammit. I like those things. Stupid upbringing having an affect on my personality and preferences. My simple taste buds couldn’t handle such sophistication as “applewood smoked bacon”, “alderwood smoked salt”, “deep milk chocolate (45% cacao)”, and some pretentious font up top that I can’t identify… because I’m a hick… And don’t care to look it up.

mmmm... pretentious

mmmm... pretentious

Picked this bad boy (do howdy, yah buddy) at one of dem dere Hole Foods for $2.00.

Of course it was in the checkout lane. Because bacon-infused chocolate is an impulse item if there was ever one.

Don’t judge me.

So, sliding the overpriced .5 oz of hippiefood out of it’s protective box, reveals a foil-wrapped lovefest, that’s very well-labeled:

I shall call him... Mini-Bacon-Candy-Bar Me

I shall call him... Mini-Bacon-Candy-Bar Me

Well, that explains the .5oz weight anyway. It’s Mini. Duh.

Snapping the badboy open reveals…

The glory and the light.  And the pork.

The glory and the light. And the pork.

Ok, so… The thing smells like bacon, but with this really weird twinge to it. Not sure if that’s the chocolate talking (smelling?) or what. It’s almost bitter-smelling. If bitter can be a smell. In which case, it is, because I don’t feel like being wrong tonight.

So, here we go:

Texture: Well… It’s chocolate. With MOTHER FUCKING BACON PIECES IN IT. Seriously though, you’d be expecting like baco-bit crunchy stuff (I was, anyway). The pieces are really pretty soft, and almost-melty. It’s weird. Because it’s bacon, and bacon doesn’t/shouldn’t do that. But again, what do I know. Maybe it’s some awesome hippie-food bacon that I’ve never tasted, from pigs who read Vonnegut and hang out at coffee shops. It could happen.

Taste: It’s definitely chocolate with bacon in it. Has that whole sweet/salty thing going, which is pretty awesome in my book, any day of the week. Fortunately, the bacon isn’t amazingly overpowering though. It just sort of works. And that smell I was getting? Yeah, there’s a bit of bitter in the chocolate too, which really keeps throwing me off my game.

JK Score: 7.5/10 Definitely something novel, I couldn’t eat more than .5oz of this in one sitting, you get sick of the whole thing pretty quick, be it from awesome overload, or something altogether different.

By the way, this officially introduces our newest category, “Bacon!”. Because bacon is awesome, and deserves recognition. And bacon. It’s cyclic like that.

Vote or Die

Or… You know, whatever.

Voting works now. Let the world know which posts you think are awesome, via clicking by the counter at the top of each post.

Yay.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes…

Migrated everything over to WordPress over the weekend. Still playing with themes/photos and trying to get everything completely situated, so “pardon the dust” while I get things a little more settled and awesome.

Also, I’m sure some links and stuff are broken, which I’ll go back and fix, but otherwise, let me know if anything is hosed up.

-JK