Things JK Eats

Editor’s note: Seriously, this is my last Doritos entry for a while. I can’t help it if they keep raising the awesome/stupid bar, though.

You know what I love? Jeff Goldblum in “The Fly“. Willem Defoe, no matter how creepy he is normally, in “Spiderman 2″, and kinda 3. Kevin Bacon in “Hollow Man“. Kevin Bacon in “Flatliners“. Whoever played the green guy in those shitty Incredible Hulk movies.

And you know why?

Power-drunk insanity makes me hot. And I love Kevin Bacon apparently.

All these dudes take something potentially awesome, go power-crazy, overdose, and fuck it all up for your entertainment.

Ugh. I already hate the premise I picked, because I know what’s coming up.

Alright. I have no clue if these are new or not, but I’ve never seen them before this morning:

So, they’re Doritos, right? And there’s a flavor packet inside. Think about that for a minute, while we do the photo tour.

Take a peek inside the bag there. We’ve got some Doritos… And wait, what’s that? Is that a prize?

Booya.

and inside this packet of love…

And the chips, for whatever reason are standard-issue Nacho Cheese Doritos.

Ok, tour’s over. Have you considered what we have on our hands here?

…

DIY Mother-Effing Doritos. We’ve reached a new level as a civilization today, people. This is the single most empowering invention in the history of man.

Every man, woman, and child can decide EXACTLY how much flavor they want on their Doritos. (Except for the pre-defined amount of Nacho for whatever reason)

This could be the answer to world peace.

….

….

I should probably, you know, put all the flavor one one chip. It would be flavor of the purest form. Flavor nirvana. Flavor Flav. I can handle it. I’ve been doing like, research and stuff. CSI dramatic science music music played the entire time, so I know it was legit.

To be completely honest with you, there’s absolutely zero indication on the bag explaining how the innocuous flavor packet is actually supposed to be used. Maybe dump it in the bag and toss it like a salad? I dunno.

Since I’m an idiot…

Just to test the waters, I pinched a little of the love powder off and put it on a single chip. It was actually hot for a Dorito seasoning. I also apparently got some in my nose because I sneezed like crazy. I also figured out that consuming the entire packet in one shot would probably make me puke my ass off. So I decided to baby step bite through it.

Bite one…

HOLY.. GRAPACHAKJSF. Very powdery, very buffalo-y. My mouth went instantly dry. I cried.

Bite two…

I decided to just man up and finish the fool off. On video because I care.

About 10 minutes later, I have heart burn. I never get heart burn. This sucks.

To top it all off, I didn’t get any kick-ass super powers or go completely insane. (even though it looks like I may have started to in the video)

Texture: (with a little bit) It’s a flippin’ Dorito. With extra powder on it.

Texture: (with the rest on it) It’s a flippin Dorito. With ungodly amounts of hell on it. That sucks your soul and all the liquid from your body instantly. And you’re left chewing on powder. And DEATH.

Taste: (with a little on it) Basically a Nacho Cheese Dorito… With a small kick to it. Pretty nice, actually.

Taste: (with the rest on it) Basically a Nacho Cheese Dorito… WITH THE FIRES FROM HELL UPON IT. Seriously, it was hot. And I like hot shit. And there was more cheese flavor in there for some forsaken reason.

JK Score: (averaged): !DIVIDE BY ZERO I suck at math. It’s an 8 with normal-people amounts, and -489 with the rest of the packet on there. Whatever that works out to. =

Ole!

Check it out. I’m keeping things semi-seasonal-related still. Cinco De Mayo is just around the corner, and I happened upon some awesome-looking Doritos at my local store, so I was all “hell yah”.

Seriously. Hell yah. There’s a DEVIL on the bag. And he’s ON FIRE. Because he’s a BADASS. Oh, and he looks happy too, for some reason.

And can you blame him? I mean, if I were Beelzebub (not to be confused with BeetleJuice from the Stern Show), I imagine I’d be pretty sick of the standard wheelin’ dealin’ for souls, keeping house in Hell, and making sure Ashton Kutcher somehow stayed relevant.

I’d be ready for a freaking Doritos bag spot.

Obviously much more coveted than the front of a Wheaties box, how many people get to be on the front of a Doritos bag?

I’ll tell you how many.

NONE, BITCH.

Unless, of course, you’re willing to get your nuts crushed and are Japanese. Then they make exceptions, apparently:

But let’s remove them from the stats. Because really, who wants to be spun around by their legs with a foot firmly planted on the family jewels just to make the cover of a bag of Doritos?

Not Satan, I’ll tell ya that. He’s got a good agent. No need for such tomfoolerly. Make Doritos work on your terms, that’s hardcore, and I respect it fully.

Let’s see how I respect the chips.

According to my 4 years of high school español (Thanks, Bonita!), I’m looking at some “Devil Enchilada” Doritos.

Well, that explains the devil on the bag at least.

Upon cracking open the bag, you get Doritos. Duh.

THE REDDEST DORITOS ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

Seriously. So red. Or, should I say… “rojo”? Que lastima!

Texture: Seriously? It’s a Dorito.

Taste: Oddly enough, pretty much like an enchilada. Dorito’s mad scientists have perfected the art of making things taste like things for the most part. As far as Diablo goes… It’s pretty hit or miss. For the most part, there’s not much heat at all to them, but once in a while, you get one that’s a scorcher.

That’s most likely Old Scratch screwing with ya.

JK Score: 7/10 Honestly, not too shabby. I couldn’t rip through a mass of these like I could some Cool Ranch, but they’re pretty tasty. If I run across them again, I’d be apt to pick em up.