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Doritos 3rd Degree Burn Scorchin’ Habanero

Anyone that knows me, knows 3 things about me:

1) I’m not proud of my third nipple, but I’m not ashamed of it, either.
2) I served two tours in ‘Nam.
3) I like spicy crap.

Seriously. Give me a nuclear Bloody Mary with Dave’s Insanity Sauce after a heavy night of drinking, and I’m one happy camper. Really, I’m like George…

I’m generally pretty bummed out when I find something labeled “Hot” in the grocery store or in a fast food setting. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s that people are hot wusses.

So when I saw these pretties sitting on the shelf at my local 7-11, I grabbed them.

Whoomp.  There it is.  Or they are.  I guess it depends if we're referring to the bag, singular, or chips, plural.  Either way, whoomp.

Whoomp. There it is. Or they are. I guess it depends if we're referring to the bag, singular, or chips, plural. Either way, whoomp.

… Because I needed a reason to post a new entry. Sue me.

Upon removal from the bag, and pointless macro photography, you see they are basically Doritos, only redder than red. Even more red than the Diablo Enchilada chips, if that’s even possible.

Red, red, holy crap red.  Or as they say in Spanish, "rojo, rojo, holy crap rojo."  I think.  I suck at Spanish.

And then since Mr. Doritos bag was promising the 3rd Degree Burn, I decided to give the bag the 3rd degree…

Does Marsallus Wallace look like a bitch?

Does Marsallus Wallace look like a bitch?

There was a good 20 minutes of thorough interrogation. It ended up with me getting all sorts of great information, including the knowledge that these are, in fact, a bag of Doritos, and Doritos, by design, don’t respond well to any sort of questioning. Because they’re chips. And not people.

Oh well.

Texture: I’m not sure why I even bother. They’re fucking Doritos. They feel very Dorito-y in your mouth.

Taste: A little nacho-y, only sweeter, is the best I can describe. You stop caring once the burn hits. Nice delay behind it, but once it it hits, it hits hard. These chips, my friends, are hot. Eat a lot in succession, and you’ll be sweating, and have your sinuses cleared. Yes. They’re hot. They nailed it. Finally.

JK Score: 9/10 I killed the entire (99 cent) bag in one sitting, fairly quickly. They made me sweat and my nose run. It was awesome. I’m deducting a point for them making me look like a wuss.

2 Comments

  1. john says:

    where can you still get the 3rd degree burn

  2. bobo says:

    I have been looking for months for these chips and cannot find them. If I don’t find them soon, I will cry.