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November, 2011:

Blantant shameless plugs

2 new crap sites for your perusal:

http://www.wtfstarter.com is a collection of oddball stuff found at Kickstarter.com

http://www.islindsaylohaninjailrightnow.com is… well, what the site name implies.

PB&J Candwich (6 months old)

A man, a can, a plan, a crappy sandwich!

What’s up, science? We can put a man on the moon, we can stream pterodactyl porn across a series of copper wires and glass tubes to my phone in my pocket, anywhere in the world (Seriously, that type of film exists. Don’t ask me how I know.), we can spray freaking skin cells onto a burn patient with a freaking squirt gun, and have them heal insanely fast, but a long-lasting, tasty, easy to transport in pneumatic tube peanut butter and jelly sandwich has somehow managed to constantly slip through the grips of science’s diabolical hands.

Oh, wait. You mean a canned PB&J with a one year shelf life exists?

Hold on... Quick, AND tasty?! Sign me up!

This is what we’ve been waiting for, folks. Years of research, development, blood, sweat, and tears have all led up to this moment. Do you know how many people had to die in a centrifuge to make this possible?

Actually, five. Also, I don’t really know what centrifuges had to do with the creation of this, but that’s why we have grants, people.

But those deaths were NOT in vain. Behold!

The same could be said for shiny pebbles, but they didn't have the marketing budget.

It fulfills every mission set forth by the Canned PBJ Mandate of 2009. I bought these (yes, plural, no, I don’t know why. I have 3 left, if anyone is interested) in May or June of 2011, making these samples currently about 6 months old, but still a solid 6+ months from their expiration (or maturation) date of June 20-freaking-12.

I CAN HAZ PREZERVATIV?

If Billy Mays wasn’t in hiding (don’t think for a second he’s actually dead, that’s what the government wants you to think), he’d be happy to scream about the final incredible aspect… Wait for it…

I mean really, it's not a surprise anymore, but I guess it's the thought that counts.

BOOM! Candy Surprise. In your FACE flu vaccine!

So, we pop this mythical beast open, and with a quite unnerving gush of air, dump out the contents (vid at the bottom)… A sealed bun-type piece of bread that’s riding solo, and not even sliced, a plastic knife, a packet of squeeze peanut butter, a packet of squeeze jelly, a piece of cherry Laffy Taffy (which was worse for the wear than the sandwich materials), and a desiccant pack for science/freshness.

To be completely honest, I was sort of let down by science at this point. I was hoping in the however-many-years science has been sciencing, I’d at least have a pre-made nasty sandwich, and not have to build it myself. I mean, why time-capsulize everything seperately, when you KNOW that people in the future (or now) are going to be remarkably lazy? I mean, sure, it’d most likely make the bread a nasty mess, but you have to think of the children. The lazy, lazy children. I mean, you’re handing over some poor soul a CANNED SANDWICH. Let’s set the expectations realistically here.

Anyway, as you can see in the ever-so-professionally produced video below, I roughly assembled, and consumed said canned goodness.

Taste: I wish I could explain what I was eating. The bread was very obviously… well, it wasn’t bread. At least not in the normal sense of how you’d think bread would taste or feel in your mouth. Really sweet, really, well, obviously preserved.

Texture: The jelly was partially separated, and the peanut butter was technically peanut butter, but was barely spreadable, like it really just wanted to stay in tube form. Can you blame it? The bread was remarkably crumbly and firm, and again, just overall odd.

JK Score: 3/10 Not inedible, if I was in a bomb shelter, I’d totally eat it if need be, but I sure as hell am not going to pneumatically tube one of these to anyone I liked, when i could just, you know, make them a flipping PB&J.

Of course, that candy surprise was 6+ months old, and couldn’t even come out of the wrapper in one piece. It gave me a sad.

Moving picture futuristic amazement: