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March, 2010:

Bigass Orange Gummy Bear

Big bear! Big bear chase me!

…and… be orange flavored. And gummy.

It was bound to happen. The irradiation of all of our food items, while making them nice and glossy and longer-lasting, was bound to have side effects. And sadly, the first to be affected are always the gummy bears.

Seriously. It’s sad.

Also, they’re apparently the first food items to be put in Han Solo-style tombs and displayed in the prize area at Dave & Busters. I can’t into the specific details of how so many superflourous tickets were acquired, but let’s just say I’m not proud of the things I did for a bucket of paper scraps.

People of the court, if you will… Exhibit A: “Bear in plastic”

It's like a regular gummy bear....but all individually wrapped.  Oh, and huge.

It's like a regular gummy bear....but all individually wrapped. Oh, and huge.

Upon closer inspection, you will also see that this particular neon-orange bear is, oddly enough, “Orange Flavor”.

I has an Orange Flavor

I has an Orange Flavor

And just for the sake of proving the validity of the “Bigass” portion of my statement regarding the bear, I present Exhibit A, alongside Exhibit B, which I call “cat”, for scale and proportion.

No kitty, that's my pot pie... Err.. Giant nasty gummy bear thing.

No kitty, that's my pot pie... Err.. Giant nasty gummy bear thing.

Flip the badboy upside down, and you’ll see the “Nutrition” facts. I put that in swarmy quotes because the single bear contained within has OVER A THOUSAND FUGGING CALORIES. Oh, according to some savvy conversions it weighs about 3/4 of a pound.

This is some serious-ass gummy here.

...so I cheat a little on my Atkins diet.

...so I cheat a little on my Atkins diet.

I’m going to preface the unveiling and consumption video below with two statements:
1) I’m freakin tired, easily distracted, and not completely sure what I’m doing.
2) The audio goes completely out of sync at the end. Sorry.

…yah. It’s gummy.

I seriously took one more bite out of the thing about 5 minutes post-video, and had to spit it out. It’s just too much sugar. I mean… wow.

Texture: Hah. Hah. As you can see in the vid, it’s definitely gummy. And by gummy, I mean more dense than and chewier than Abe Vigoda.

Cuz… He’s chewy. Like a fox. Did I mention I’m tired?

Seriously? The thing is chewier than all get-out, and has the consistency of one of those gummy erasers. If you tried to eat one. Which… You shouldn’t.

Taste: It’s orange for damn sure. Smells like orange Jello… tastes like… really, really, sweet orange gummy. Just stupid sweet. Also like Abe Vigoda.

JK Score: 3/10 It gets points for performing as advertised, but anything I can’t consume more than two bites of automatically gets docked. I mean, given the dietary info, it’s probably not a bad thing necessarily, but c’mon. Plus my jaw hurts. From two bites.

Doritos 3rd Degree Burn Scorchin’ Habanero

Anyone that knows me, knows 3 things about me:

1) I’m not proud of my third nipple, but I’m not ashamed of it, either.
2) I served two tours in ‘Nam.
3) I like spicy crap.

Seriously. Give me a nuclear Bloody Mary with Dave’s Insanity Sauce after a heavy night of drinking, and I’m one happy camper. Really, I’m like George…

I’m generally pretty bummed out when I find something labeled “Hot” in the grocery store or in a fast food setting. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s that people are hot wusses.

So when I saw these pretties sitting on the shelf at my local 7-11, I grabbed them.

Whoomp.  There it is.  Or they are.  I guess it depends if we're referring to the bag, singular, or chips, plural.  Either way, whoomp.

Whoomp. There it is. Or they are. I guess it depends if we're referring to the bag, singular, or chips, plural. Either way, whoomp.

… Because I needed a reason to post a new entry. Sue me.

Upon removal from the bag, and pointless macro photography, you see they are basically Doritos, only redder than red. Even more red than the Diablo Enchilada chips, if that’s even possible.

Red, red, holy crap red.  Or as they say in Spanish, "rojo, rojo, holy crap rojo."  I think.  I suck at Spanish.

And then since Mr. Doritos bag was promising the 3rd Degree Burn, I decided to give the bag the 3rd degree…

Does Marsallus Wallace look like a bitch?

Does Marsallus Wallace look like a bitch?

There was a good 20 minutes of thorough interrogation. It ended up with me getting all sorts of great information, including the knowledge that these are, in fact, a bag of Doritos, and Doritos, by design, don’t respond well to any sort of questioning. Because they’re chips. And not people.

Oh well.

Texture: I’m not sure why I even bother. They’re fucking Doritos. They feel very Dorito-y in your mouth.

Taste: A little nacho-y, only sweeter, is the best I can describe. You stop caring once the burn hits. Nice delay behind it, but once it it hits, it hits hard. These chips, my friends, are hot. Eat a lot in succession, and you’ll be sweating, and have your sinuses cleared. Yes. They’re hot. They nailed it. Finally.

JK Score: 9/10 I killed the entire (99 cent) bag in one sitting, fairly quickly. They made me sweat and my nose run. It was awesome. I’m deducting a point for them making me look like a wuss.