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December, 2009:

Taco Bell Beefy 5 Layer Burrito

So, Taco Bell, those masters of re-hash, have done it again. They took something that’s basically exactly the same as 79% of the rest of their menu, threw some nacho cheese sauce on it, a “New!” label, and BAMMO! Nirvana achieved, seas part, balloons fall, profits rise, and I eat it.

In that order.

To be completely honest with you, Taco Bell can really do no wrong in my eyes. They could take some cheese, melt it, wrap it in a tortilla, and I’d gladly eat it and love it, and pay almost a dollar for it, because I… Well, because I do that. And the cheesy roll-up is great. AND I HAVE NO DAMN CLUE WHY.

But I digress.

Not to be confused with its distant cousin, the 7-Layer Burrito, which, while awesome, is one of the few meatless items on the TB menu (ironically, the fat/cal count is the same for both), the TBB5LB (we’re tight, so I’m using his initials) makes its beefy-ness/meaty-ness known… by putting “Beefy” in its title.

It’s not all in a name though. Where the TBB5LB also differs from its wussy vegetarian cousin is in the construction and execution. What the name fails to infor the eater of here, is that yes… there’s 5 layers. Yes, there’s beefy-ness. Yes, it is, in fact, a burrito. What it fails to mention is the addition of NACHO CHEESE SAUCE.

And not only that, but it’s been separated by a secondary tortilla layer of lovin’.

And that, my friends, is awesome. Only because by adding that secondary layer, they’ve completely isolated the nacho cheese taste-sation into its own little realm of awesome. And that’s the coup de gras here. Had they slapped all that crap into a burrito singulartity, I would have to say, “Meh.”

But alas, the clever bastards at Taco Bell have some of the world’s finest food architects on staff apparently. And by howdy, are those mofos smart at stuff.

…Specifically, burrito awesomness. I’m wondering if they get Burrito Awesomeness Awards or something. If they don’t, I will start a petition demanding recognition in this strenuous field.

I’m babbling. Here’s how Taco Bell sees the TBB5LB it their mind’s eye:


Here’s how I see it after ripping it apart in my own eye:


Texture: Like I said, that extra layer really makes the whole thing. You get to really FEEL the cheese sauce, which is much dirtier-sounding than it really is. I think. Regardless, after that, it’s standard-issue beef/bean/cheese/cream burrito action.

Taste: One last time, that nacho sauce makes the whole damn thing. MAKES IT AWESOME, I mean. Yah, it’s good. I dig it.

JK Score: 9/10 Let the record show, that for $0.89, you get actually a fair amount of awesome. I was surprised at how big this dude was. It’s a new era in cheap nasty tastiness.