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October, 2009:

Snickers Fu***

I’ve had it up to here with the censorship in America today.

If those brilliant bastards at Mars want to sell a Snickers Fuck, they should be able to. Why they tried putting out a candy bar called Snickers Fuck, I have no idea. But “The Man” shouldn’t be keeping fine purveyors of chocololate-liciousness bound by stupid censorship regulations. This is a free country, dammit.

Here’s the crap I’m talking about:

IMG_1439

Oh wait. It smells like fudge. Oh. Shit. I get it. Nevermind.

So… Uh… Snickers Fudge. New angle. Um… “Yah, hey, how about all those damn Snickers variants?”

I feel like I’ve been down this road before.

Oh. That’s right. I have. Here. And here.

You know what’s weird? I don’t even like Snickers that much. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with em, but I can’t think of any time I’ve actually craved one.

Oh well. Let’s cut this open, eat it, and rate it. Or something.

IMG_1440 [tje]

So, basically, they took a Snickers… Removed the caramel… And put in MOTHERFUDGING FUDGE.

High hopes, I has them.

I’m goin in.

Texture: Caramel is one of those things that’s pretty fundamental about a Snickers. Remove that, and it doesn’t feel like a Snickers anymore. The fudge layer is pretty soft luckily, but it’s not the same. The nougat is much more pronounced because of the lack of caramel.

Taste: This bastard is RICH. But it all works. The nougat with the fudge is a bit of an odd combo, but after the first bite, you appreciate it. Almost a mocha-coffee flavor at the end. It’s neat.

JK Score: 9/10 I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t have the biggest sweet tooth in the world. But this thing fudging rules my hiney.

Bacon Gumballs

OK, so I like bacon. I think this much is obvious. I’ve actually had bacon for breakfast both Saturday and Sunday this weekend. My apartment smells of the glory that is bacon, and visitors to my humble abode are both amazed and astounded. “Where did you get that incredible air freshener?”, they ask. To that I say, “Dude. It’s fucking bacon. It rules.”

Then we sit in silence for a minute and ponder the meaning of life, because that’s a common bonding experience among people who smell bacon together. It’s glorious.

Here’s the one problem with bacon being incredibly awesome…

…It’s gone too far.

There. I said it. Due to the widespread popularity and awesome-icity of bacon, “The Man” (you know who you are) is capitalizing on our love, and bacon-izing everything.

At first glance, as a purveyor and appreciator of all things bacon, you’d probably think I’d be on board with this. And I was. But even I have my limits.

I mean, they’re WAY out there, but I have them. Seriously. I think I hit the wall on my bacon experimentation for the time being. I’m going to swear my life to a pure bacon existence, free of gimmicks, and artificial….stuff.
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I present to you, Xzibit A:

Bacon Gumballs.

Yup. I’m serious. See?

So sweet and innocent...

So sweet and innocent...

And then inside, we have all 22 of the little bastards accounted for.

They smell horrible.  I can't think of a witty caption, they just smell like ass.

They smell horrible. I can't think of a witty caption, they just smell like ass.

Upon opening the tin, you get the smell of… Ass. Seriously. These things smell god-awful. And strong. I seriously could see a weak-stomached person puking after taking a deep whiff of these bastards. I’ve got a strong-ass gag reflex, and I can’t stand smelling these. Wow. I can’t wait to put one in my mouth.

Woo!!!

Luckily, they’re tiny.

Texture: Well, for the 2 seconds it was in my mouth, it felt like a normal, run-of-the-mill gumball. OF DEATH.

Taste: The video above speaks for itself. Fucking horrible. Wow. I’ll have nightmares about that.

JK Score: 0/10 Yep. The only reason I’d hold onto the rest of these is to let my drunk friends try. When they’re really drunk. And need to vomit. Or if they piss me off. Wow.