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September, 2009:

Canned Bacon (Tactical Bacon)

You know, I’m no marketing genius, but give me an item like canned bacon, and I’d be all like, “Dude.”

Then I’d come up with something pretty damn amazing and catchy. Like..

Wait for it…

BaCAN. Cuz… It’s bacon. In a can. Bay-can.

The ad copy practically writes itself.

“Now, you can enjoy the farm-fresh taste of… like.. bacon… Anywhere, on the go… As long as you have a can opener. Introducing BaCAN, the… stuff… that’s… well, it’s fucking bacon… in a can. Get ya some! UNGOWA! Snap into a Slim Jim!”

Though, I think there may be a non-compete with the Slim Jim people. Maybe instead of Macho Man, we could get the Iron Sheik. He’s not really doing much these days, except… well, going insane.

So there’s that.

Oh! Carrot Top. He loves bacon. No… Wait. Not Carrot Top. Jim Gaffigan. I always get those confused. Jim Gaffigan, now that dude loves bacon.

So here’s the pitch. Jim Gaffigan fights Carrot Top and The Iron Sheik in a cage match. Winner take bacon. In a can. BaCAN.

Yah? Yah?


Day job maintained.

Anyway, so yah. I have some freaking canned bacon on my desk here, courtesy of my good friends at (Full Disclosure: they’re not actually my friends, and I had to pay for the bacon in a can, so it wasn’t really courtesy of them, they just sold it to me. Just sayin’.)

Here’s the can…



Here’s the wittyness on the backside… (Band name?)

Funny, my hands are still wet...

Funny, my hands are still wet...

Oh! The government said it’s OK to eat as well! Bonus!

Uncle Sam wants YOU... To... Eat... This?

Uncle Sam wants YOU... To... Eat... This?

So… Yah.

Then the unveiling… At which point, well… Just watch.

A few greasy, awkward moments later…

And here’s the final product in all it’s bacony glory…

Regrets...  I've had a few...

Mistakes... I've made a few...

And then I ate it. Because, obviously. Shit.

Texture: For all the grease found in/on the can, the bacon itself was suprisingly not-super-greasy. Not like good, thick-cut stuff either, really had the consistency of maybe day-old half-warm microwave bacon. Which is to say, not completely horrid, but not amazing either. Definitely on the chewy side. Way chewy.

Taste: It tastes like… Bacon. Mostly. Little bit heavy on the artificial smoke flavor, and somewhat saltier than most bacon I’ve had (all of it). I do keep finding myself snacking on a piece here and there while I finish this entry, so it must not be too bad… but again, that’s one of the intrinsic qualities of bacon; the addictiveness. Also, I’m kinda hungry right now. So I’m sure that’s not helping.

JK Score: 4/10 That’s a hard call. If I’m judging it strictly against other canned items I’ve had in my life, it’s… well, it’s freakin’ bacon, so it gets points based on merit alone. If I’m judging it against actual food? It’s not great. It’s not horrible, make-me-vom either, which I’m honestly pretty damn suprised at given the can opening. So, you know, I’d definitely take it hiking/camping/Apocolypsing. But I’d rather nuke up some crappy microwave bacon for my own personal use any day of the week.

Update: I had to go back and knock it down to 4/10, because 20 minutes, a beer and a cig later, I still have the FaCon (fake bacon!) flavor in my mouth. And it sucks.

Ok, now to de-grease my camera/hands/desk/apartment.