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June, 2009:

Bacon Pancakes (Yes… Bacon MotherEffin’ Pancakes)

I don’t even know how I could sully such a glorious item with inane banter.

So I’m gonna shoot straight. The Original Pancake House (http://www.originalpancakehouse.com/) has THE BEST stuff on earth.

They’re pancakes. WITH MOTHER EFFIN’ BACON IN THEM.

You following me on this? This isn’t pancakes with a side of bacon, or bacon ON pancakes. This is bacon… INSIDE of pancakes.

Allow me to illustrate.

20090625-IMAG0040

See? Awesome. They rule. Find some. Then eat them. Then tell me how awesome they are. Because I’ll agree with you.

Texture: They’re pancakes… WITH BACON IN THEM.

Taste: They’re pancakes… WITH FREAKING BACON INSIDE OF THEM.

JK Score: 10/10 THEY ARE FUCKING PANCAKES, WITH FUCKING BACON IN THEM.

Also, the staff at The Original Pancake House in Denver’s Tech Center location were very nice, attentive, and awesome. And gave me an extra PANCAKE WITH MOTHER LOVIN’ BACON IN IT.

The Original Pancake House
8000 E. Belleview
Greenwood Village, Colorado 80111
303-224-0093

Doritos Flavor Shots

Editor’s note: Seriously, this is my last Doritos entry for a while. I can’t help it if they keep raising the awesome/stupid bar, though.


You know what I love? Jeff Goldblum in “The Fly“. Willem Defoe, no matter how creepy he is normally, in “Spiderman 2”, and kinda 3. Kevin Bacon in “Hollow Man“. Kevin Bacon in “Flatliners“. Whoever played the green guy in those shitty Incredible Hulk movies.

And you know why?

Power-drunk insanity makes me hot. And I love Kevin Bacon apparently.

All these dudes take something potentially awesome, go power-crazy, overdose, and fuck it all up for your entertainment.

Ugh. I already hate the premise I picked, because I know what’s coming up.

Alright. I have no clue if these are new or not, but I’ve never seen them before this morning:

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So, they’re Doritos, right? And there’s a flavor packet inside. Think about that for a minute, while we do the photo tour.

Take a peek inside the bag there. We’ve got some Doritos… And wait, what’s that? Is that a prize?

20090612-inside

Booya.

20090612-packet

and inside this packet of love…

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And the chips, for whatever reason are standard-issue Nacho Cheese Doritos.

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Ok, tour’s over. Have you considered what we have on our hands here?

DIY Mother-Effing Doritos. We’ve reached a new level as a civilization today, people. This is the single most empowering invention in the history of man.

Every man, woman, and child can decide EXACTLY how much flavor they want on their Doritos. (Except for the pre-defined amount of Nacho for whatever reason)

This could be the answer to world peace.

….

….

I should probably, you know, put all the flavor one one chip. It would be flavor of the purest form. Flavor nirvana. Flavor Flav. I can handle it. I’ve been doing like, research and stuff. CSI dramatic science music music played the entire time, so I know it was legit.

To be completely honest with you, there’s absolutely zero indication on the bag explaining how the innocuous flavor packet is actually supposed to be used. Maybe dump it in the bag and toss it like a salad? I dunno.

Since I’m an idiot…

20090612-loaded

Just to test the waters, I pinched a little of the love powder off and put it on a single chip. It was actually hot for a Dorito seasoning. I also apparently got some in my nose because I sneezed like crazy. I also figured out that consuming the entire packet in one shot would probably make me puke my ass off. So I decided to baby step bite through it.

Bite one…

HOLY.. GRAPACHAKJSF. Very powdery, very buffalo-y. My mouth went instantly dry. I cried.

Bite two…

I decided to just man up and finish the fool off. On video because I care.

About 10 minutes later, I have heart burn. I never get heart burn. This sucks.

To top it all off, I didn’t get any kick-ass super powers or go completely insane. 🙁 (even though it looks like I may have started to in the video)

Texture: (with a little bit) It’s a flippin’ Dorito. With extra powder on it.

Texture: (with the rest on it) It’s a flippin Dorito. With ungodly amounts of hell on it. That sucks your soul and all the liquid from your body instantly. And you’re left chewing on powder. And DEATH.

Taste: (with a little on it) Basically a Nacho Cheese Dorito… With a small kick to it. Pretty nice, actually.

Taste: (with the rest on it) Basically a Nacho Cheese Dorito… WITH THE FIRES FROM HELL UPON IT. Seriously, it was hot. And I like hot shit. And there was more cheese flavor in there for some forsaken reason.

JK Score: (averaged): !DIVIDE BY ZERO I suck at math. It’s an 8 with normal-people amounts, and -489 with the rest of the packet on there. Whatever that works out to. =