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January, 2009:

Ice Breakers Iced Tea Mints

If I could have one of my wildest wishes come true, it would be to have a fifth nipple. I’m already good on nipples one and two obviously, being a normal human. Nipple three, was something that just randomly showed up later in life when I needed it most. Just like how sometimes, in your darkest hour, you see the figurative light, and things suddenly make sense, and that wave of calmness and serenity sweeps over you, in my case the figurative light was a literal third nipple.

The fourth one… Well, I drew that one on with a red sharpie. And have to refresh it once a week or so. I named it Billy. I’d get a tattoo, but really, a tattoo of a nipple? That’s just crazy.

So really, I’m just gunnin’ for that fifth nipple. I think it would be great, and probably get me laid constantly. It’s a great ice-breaker. Just to be able to swagger up to some hottie at the bar and go, “Hey baby… How many nipples you got?” Being normal humans, they’d either slap me, walk away, or answer “Two”.

That’s my cue. I grab a cocktail napkin, jot the number “5” on it, and slide it towards them upside down.

“Here’s what I got, baby”.

It would be glorious. The best part is, even if they slapped me or walked away, I’d still do the napkin thing. Constant tail. That’s a fool-proof play. Maybe I can find someone to print me up a bunch of “5” cocktail napkins I could take with me on my booty-seeking missions. I’d have to get some sort of bitchin’ leather case for the napkins, though, because I don’t wanna be that jackass who carries their own set of custom-printed cocktail napkins into a bar. I hate those guys. Maybe a briefcase. That I’d handcuff to my arm. Because that just screams intrigue and mystery (beyond the 5 nipples, of course) like a dude with a briefcase handcuffed to his arm.

Sweet.

Dude… You know what would be even better? While I’m layin the groundwork, breaking the ice with my multiple nipple negotiations, chatting up the beautiful babies? If my breath smelled like fucking Iced Tea.

That would make me an unstoppable booty-gettin’ force to be reckoned with.

And damn it, you’ll reckon with me. Between the Iced Tea breath, the suitcase handcuffed to my arm, and of course, the 5 nipples? Bra, I’d be getting reckoned with all night long.

Bow chicka bow wow.

While I may never have my multiple nipples, I can always get the Iced Tea breath I always desired finally. My time is nigh.

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Anyone who knows me, knows I love mints. Anything minty, mint-like, or otherwise mint-inated… I’m down with it. So, when I saw these, I thought… “What?”

So I bought them.

They’re standard IceBreakers mints in that they’re in the same plastic (though shit-brown instead of mint-blue) case, and have the neat little pseudo-retsin spots (though shit-brown instead of mint-blue).

So really… I have great expectations.

Opening up the lid and taking a whiff…

It’s… Tea. It smells like I just opened up a box of Lipton. WTF. There’s probably a tea-bag joke somewhere in there, but I wore myself out on the nipple banter. Happens more often than you’d think.

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Oh, they’re Sugar-Free too… So you won’t get fat popping Iced Tea mint after Iced Tea mint. Indulge!

Texture: If you’ve ever had a mint before, you’re close. It’s exactly the same as every other IceBreaker mint ever.

Taste: It’s…. Iced Tea. Kind of. You don’t smell it, but you taste hella fake lemon when you pop one. It’s…weird. If you’ve ever had Lipton bottled iced tea with the lemon flavor, it’s like that, only much, much more intense, and lemon-tastic.

The tea flavor disappears after the first 20 seconds or so, leaving that weird fake lemon taste afterward, but with the occassional hit of weird fake tea. It’s… Weird.

Weird.

JK Score: 2/10 The weird fake flavors are odd enough. The fact that there’s an Iced Tea flavored mint alone is weird enough. Add those two weird things together… And it’s weird. Seriously. I’m still working on this first one, and I’m just… Confused. Why the hell do you want your mouth to smell like a box of Lipton powder when you could just rock the fifth nipple?