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June, 2008:

Preserved (1000 Year Old) Duck Eggs

… Ugh.

You’re tuned into another very special entry on TJE, one that’s mostly videos, without a lot of witty commentary, because the videos speak volumes. A picture being worth a thousand words, I have a total of 7 minutes and 54 seconds with of video below. Assuming 25 frames per second or so, that works out to roughly 474,000 words. That’s a lot to take in, so I’ll save you the banter and get to the back story.

I was in Champaign-Urbana last weekend for my friend Jim‘s going away party. Also present were Chris, Cari, Ryan, and Chef Benjamin. Ben brought me back these “treats” from his trip to SF a while back. The 1,000 Year Egg (also known as the Century Egg, and less awesomely known as the Preserved Egg) is basically a chemically ‘pickled’ egg. Wikipedia has a whole nice entry on the background of the beast.

Here’s a vid of the unveiling, and the smelling by various people.

*NOTE* The vids below were taken after a night of drinking, so there’s plenty of language, may not be completely work-safe.

Also, half-lit is the only way to ever approach these things.

In short, they smelled like ass.

After this was shot, we moved outside, since it was the safest spot in case of regurgitation, and to keep the smell out of the house.

Again, there’s a strong language warning on here. Also, if you don’t like seeing nasty things that have been chewed up and spit back out, you may want to avoid. Otherwise, it’s a good watch.

The thing that shocked me the most was the smell. Just so STRONG. It embeds itself in your skin, and I literally had the taste in my mouth the next day. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to eat/smell regular eggs for a while as a result. I have a generally strong gag reflex, and these just put me over the top. I still get a little queasy thinking about the taste/smell.

Ugh.

Anyway.

Texture: Um. You saw in the video. The outside is kind of a gelatinous kind-of-egg vibe. It’s just like a regular egg white, only a little chewier. The inside? It’s unholy death. You have a thin membrane of hard boiled egg yolk, with this gooey center. It’s bizarre.

Taste: As I said in the video, it tastes exactly how it smells. How does it smell? Like ass. Aquarium. (Because of the sulfer). Rotten eggs. Dirt. Poop. Just… Horrible.

JK Score: -10/10 I’m setting the bottom of my scale at -10 now officially, by the way. This is the most unholy, god-awful thing I’ve ever put in my body. Ever. I’d rather eat a dried squid sandwich with a side of shrimp chips any day of the week. I don’t feel horrible not making it through this, as Andrew Zimmern couldn’t do it either. And now I know why.

UGH.

Doritos “The Quest” Chips

(An open letter to Doritos, by JK)

Dear Doritos,

You suck. You’re mean. Who do you think you are? Here you are, one of the last bastions of good old American fat-assery, forcing your loyal customers to go out and actually do things? Not even that, you’re DEMANDING they figure out what the hell it is they’re actually eating, and then go to some web site and do puzzles or something?

the demands

the demands

I suppose some people will commend your latest move. “They” will say things like, “oh, Doritos is really challenging the public, making them use their minds and improve themselves”.

I’ve got news for you, Doritos. “They” are idiots. And assholes. Seriously. I really freaking hate “They”.

I’m old-school. I want a bag to tell me what the bloody hell I’m supposedly tasting. Let me in on the secret. Say, “hey JK, we made these chips, we put a whole lot of work into them to make them super-special for you, and they taste like… I dunno, how about Burger King fries with ketchup on them?

That’s all I want. Tell me what the hell you think things are supposed to taste like, just so I have an idea of what direction to go with things.

And you know what else, Doritos? You know what else? I don’t think you even told us what the last “flavor guessing venture” wound up being? I obviously could be very wrong here, but I’m really too lazy to look it up, and I don’t remember CBS breaking into How I Met Your Mother to announce it, so it never happened in my world. Great show, by the way.

So, in summation, you’re assholes. Or an asshole. I’m not sure if Doritos is plural or some guys last name. I guess I should look that up too. But I hate research.

Um… Oh. Also, screw you for demanding that I not only tell you what your chips taste like, but then be all like “hey fat ass, go solve a puzzle since you ate all your chips…. fatty”. You don’t even have to say it, I can tell you’re thinking it. You’ve always been judgemental like that, Doritos.

Also, if I didn’t bother googling to see what the flavor of the last Mystery Dorito is, what makes you think I’m going to go solve some puzzles and/or take control of… something at some web site?

I’m not. But it’s only to show you Who’s the Boss, not because I’m lazy. Dammit. It’s time I took charge in this relationship.

Love,
JK

Oh, I totally ate these chips too.

Here’s the bag. I’ve only seen them in the smaller .99 size, not in the ‘regular bag’ size:

20080610-questbag

And, for whatever reason, the actual chip.

20080610-questchip

Texture: It’s… A… Dorito.

Taste: Um… It’s lime-y. My friend Chris thinks Margarita, which I could see, since it’s lime-y, and really sweet, like a sweet n’ sour mix. Definitely no tequila though. Honestly, they don’t really taste like much. Imagine taking one of those Hint of Lime Tostitos , and loading a buttload of that flavor onto the chips, and making it a tad bit sweeter. Really, as far as mystery-flavors-that-chip-makers-are-too-damn-lazy-to-name-and-turn-it-into-a-veiled-contest-of-some-sort, these are kind of a letdown. I was hoping for at least something interesting, like Kangaroo and Chives or Farts and Bleu Cheese. Something.

JK Score: 4.5/10 If you take these for what they are, they’re just lime Doritos. Which on their own, aren’t anything amazing. Stick with more awesome flavors, like Fiery HabaƱero and the like.

Update: I’m a hypocrite, and did a little digging. I now know what the flavor is SUPPOSED to be, but I completely disagree. A lot. They’re still super-lime and kinda sweet.