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May, 2008:

Taco Bell Cheesy Double Beef Burrito

What’s more dense than The Arches Cluster, cheesier than Chester Cheetah singing Rick Astley songs on a tour of the Eau Galle Cheese Factory, has more rice than a Fast and the Furious DVD box set, and is double-beefier than… Uh…

Double beefer… Beefier… Uhh… Hrm.

Crap. I don’t even have a reference point for double-beefier. I totally screwed that up. I can’t even twist that around using something super obscure.

Double beefier than… Two cows… Um… Oh. Two cows… On steroi… no, that’s dumb.

Dammit. I suck.

Seriously. I HAD this! I totally blew it. Like a George Michael… joke?


To hell with it. Taco Bell has this thing, it’s got a lot of beef and cheese and rice in it. It’s 89 cents, and it’s tasty. And dense. It’s very filling, and it’s cheap. You should go buy it, and eat it, because it’s tasty.

I lamented the loss of the Cheesy Beefy Melt greatly. This is close, but no cigar. But it will do until Taco Bell listens to the masses and brings the CBM back to glory. Instead of melted cheese and sour cream, they’re just slapping some nacho sauce in there, and leaving out the crema. It works though.

As tiny and cheap as they are, you’d probably think to yourself, “self, this is tiny and cheap. I probably need like 5 of them to get my fill”. This is completely false. I had 2, and thought I was going to die. Blame it on the rice, or the slightest bending of space and time, but these little bastards pack a filling punch.

I ate these yesterday, and didn’t think to take any pictures of them, because I was actually hungry, but here’s the press shot to hold you over. It’s a burrito.


I’ll give you a hint, the actual product looks less like this, and more like a bunch of crap a Taco Bell magical dwarf slopped into a tortilla shell.

Texture: The cheese sauce makes everything nice and kinda-smooshy, and the rice brings it back up. It’s a roller-coaster of textural delight. But it’s Taco Bell still.

Taste: The cheese sauce makes everything nice and cheesy-tasting, and the rice tastes rice-y. It’s a roller-coaster of tastural delight. But it’s Taco Bell still.

JK Score: 6.5/10 It’s honestly a little boring, but it’s still good. All the ingredients just harmonize together and work, but it’s nothing amazing. And as far as the taste/filling/value calculations go, you really can’t beat it if you’re poor and hungry. Will get again.

McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich

Things the new McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich has in it’s favor:

1) It is not directly associated with any country singers.

2) Butter. If it’s something Paula Deen is onboard with, you’ve gotta be an evil, evil person (or Calista Flockhart, who may be included in the prior, I’m not saying, but…you know) to not appreciate anything with butter.

3) Some dude on the (purple) box that looks like he’s about to score with some capri-pants-wearing hobag. You go, playa.


Things the new McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich has going against it:

1) That same awesome, purple box is pressuring me to “Savour”, (which is clearly a Canadian word) my Southern Style Chicken. Maybe they mean Toronto when they refer to Southern Style. I’m confused now. Did this chicken sammich illegally cross some borders? Am I aiding and abetting? Crap. I didn’t even know. I hope it’s not a coke-filled mule.


One way to find out, the dissection:

That’s it, man. Not a whole lot to see here. Looks like they’re going for the less-is-more-Canadian-awesome vibe here, vis-a-vis (French!) Chick-fil-A.

Texture: It’s chicken. More specifically, it’s Chick-fil-A. That nice, not-over-battered coating, pretty moist inside. Pretty nice chicken. Standard-issue McDonald’s burger bun, though.

Taste: It’s chicken. More specifically, it’s Chick-fil-A. With a McDonald’s bun. Seriously. It’s pretty damn close. I haven’t had Chik-fil-A in a while, but it’s just how I remember it, maybe a little “butter-y-er”. And no waffle fries. 🙁 But, McDonald’s is open on Sunday.

JK Score: 8/10 I really like the chicken itself, but the bun throws it off, I keep expecting a cheeseburger. It’s a reasonable facsimile of Chik-Fil-A though, which I freakin love, so I’ll get it again, but I’ll lament the lack of waffle fries. On the other hand, I can get this on a Sunday, at least.