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November, 2007:

Hardee’s Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger

I was going to just run through McD’s last week, but at the last minute I decided I hadn’t really ate all day, so I went to Hardee’s to try their semi-latest (they had it last year, but I never got to try it) burger abomination: the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger.

Picture, if you will, a burger. I’m going to just go through the layers of this bastard starting at the bottom:

Bun.
Hamburger.
Chee… NO!!! Wait. No cheese! Not yet! MORE MEAT. Yah, thin-sliced ‘steak’ whateverness. I need meat on my meat dammit. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Ok, now two kinds of melted-ass cheese.
Mushroom/sauteed onion/green pepper sprinklings.
Bun #2.

The press photo paints a pretty picture that’s a bit extreme.
HARDEE'S PHILLY CHEESESTEAK THICKBURGER

In reality, there’s nowhere near that much philly meat, and the two cheeses on mine were intertwined, but completely melted, which was awesome. Seriously, I may have been really hungry or something, but this thing was fucking great.

Of course, I cam nowhere near finishing it. But it was incredible.

Texture: If you’ve had Hardee’s Mushroom 1/3 pound Thickburger, you’re on the right track. With all the meltiness and mushroom/onion/peppers, you really miss the extra meat texture in there, which wasn’t tough at all, like I’d expected.

Flavor: Again, I was REALLY hungry when I ate this, but it combines two of my favorites: Burgers and fast-food interpretations of Philly Cheesesteaks. (I grew up on Steak Umms, so I’m kinda biased towards not giving a shit). Honestly, there was just a bit too much meat. What I finished of it, I wound up tossing the burger patty aside and just focusing on the Bonus Material.

JK SCORE: 7/10. Seriously, aside from the just-a-tad-too-much-meat, this thing just rocked my pants. Shocker, I know.

Cheetos Fantastix! Chili Cheese

We’re going to start off this site with one our perennial favorites…. Wait. No, these things are completely new and completely out of left field. Cheetos is trodding all over Andy Capp’s stomping grounds here, with their so-called “Baked Corn and Potato Snacks”, which are a blatant rip-off of Mr. Capp’s (I say that only because I truly respect the eyeless, plaid-capped snack-master extraordinaire) ____ Fries products.

May I present: FANTASTIX!!!!!!!!!

20071129-fantastix

I have very few rules when it comes to naming products. One of those rules is this: DON’T PUT YOUR (PRODUCT) NAME IN ALL CAPS WITH AN EXCLALMATION MARK BEHIND IT! Especially if you’re going to do something clever with the name, i.e. Fantasti*x* (I’m sure the X is for XXXXXTREEEMEEEEEE, yet another peeve, and such a cliche at this point, it not even worth mocking)

I digress. Let’s keep on rocking.

Texture: If you’ve ever had Mr. Capps *blank* Fries before, you’re in for a kinda-familiar experience. They’re airy, but it seems the Cheetos one is almost more foam-like. It reminded me of ingesting those bio-degradable corn-starch foam packing nuts. Though, true to the Fries, and distant cousin the Funyun, they immediately became compressed and lodged in my molars.

Flavor: One word, BLARG. I went into this with the expectation that it’d be something nowhere near chili, or cheese. I actually kinda like the Chili Cheese Fritos. These were just nasty, what little bit of flavor was actually on the ‘STIX!!. Very hit or miss, but when it hit, holycrap. And yes, the burps are friggin’ horrendous. I’m sure my breath smells like complete (albeit EXXXXTREEME) ass.

On the plus side, the whole (vending machine-size) bag only has 130 calories and 5g of fat, compared to the 10gs of fat in old-school Cheetos. So that’s something. I guess. If you like ass-breath.

JK SCORE: 3/10, only because I respect Mr. Capp enough to give his derivatives credit in hopes he’s getting some kind of residual payments to help with his eye-placement surgery.