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Bacon!

Bacon MotherEffin’ Waffles.

BACON.

WAFFLES.

Yes, it’s derivative.

Yes, it’s fucking awesome.

BACON.

WAFFLES.

BACON.  WAFFLE.  DAMMIT.

BACON. WAFFLE. DAMMIT.

I’m not even reviewing these.

10. Done. Awesome.

Bacon Gumballs

OK, so I like bacon. I think this much is obvious. I’ve actually had bacon for breakfast both Saturday and Sunday this weekend. My apartment smells of the glory that is bacon, and visitors to my humble abode are both amazed and astounded. “Where did you get that incredible air freshener?”, they ask. To that I say, “Dude. It’s fucking bacon. It rules.”

Then we sit in silence for a minute and ponder the meaning of life, because that’s a common bonding experience among people who smell bacon together. It’s glorious.

Here’s the one problem with bacon being incredibly awesome…

…It’s gone too far.

There. I said it. Due to the widespread popularity and awesome-icity of bacon, “The Man” (you know who you are) is capitalizing on our love, and bacon-izing everything.

At first glance, as a purveyor and appreciator of all things bacon, you’d probably think I’d be on board with this. And I was. But even I have my limits.

I mean, they’re WAY out there, but I have them. Seriously. I think I hit the wall on my bacon experimentation for the time being. I’m going to swear my life to a pure bacon existence, free of gimmicks, and artificial….stuff.
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I present to you, Xzibit A:

Bacon Gumballs.

Yup. I’m serious. See?

So sweet and innocent...

So sweet and innocent...

And then inside, we have all 22 of the little bastards accounted for.

They smell horrible.  I can't think of a witty caption, they just smell like ass.

They smell horrible. I can't think of a witty caption, they just smell like ass.

Upon opening the tin, you get the smell of… Ass. Seriously. These things smell god-awful. And strong. I seriously could see a weak-stomached person puking after taking a deep whiff of these bastards. I’ve got a strong-ass gag reflex, and I can’t stand smelling these. Wow. I can’t wait to put one in my mouth.

Woo!!!

Luckily, they’re tiny.

Texture: Well, for the 2 seconds it was in my mouth, it felt like a normal, run-of-the-mill gumball. OF DEATH.

Taste: The video above speaks for itself. Fucking horrible. Wow. I’ll have nightmares about that.

JK Score: 0/10 Yep. The only reason I’d hold onto the rest of these is to let my drunk friends try. When they’re really drunk. And need to vomit. Or if they piss me off. Wow.

Canned Bacon (Tactical Bacon)

You know, I’m no marketing genius, but give me an item like canned bacon, and I’d be all like, “Dude.”

Then I’d come up with something pretty damn amazing and catchy. Like..

Wait for it…

BaCAN. Cuz… It’s bacon. In a can. Bay-can.

The ad copy practically writes itself.

“Now, you can enjoy the farm-fresh taste of… like.. bacon… Anywhere, on the go… As long as you have a can opener. Introducing BaCAN, the… stuff… that’s… well, it’s fucking bacon… in a can. Get ya some! UNGOWA! Snap into a Slim Jim!”

Though, I think there may be a non-compete with the Slim Jim people. Maybe instead of Macho Man, we could get the Iron Sheik. He’s not really doing much these days, except… well, going insane.

So there’s that.

Oh! Carrot Top. He loves bacon. No… Wait. Not Carrot Top. Jim Gaffigan. I always get those confused. Jim Gaffigan, now that dude loves bacon.

So here’s the pitch. Jim Gaffigan fights Carrot Top and The Iron Sheik in a cage match. Winner take bacon. In a can. BaCAN.

Yah? Yah?

Shit.

Day job maintained.

Anyway, so yah. I have some freaking canned bacon on my desk here, courtesy of my good friends at http://www.thinkgeek.com. (Full Disclosure: they’re not actually my friends, and I had to pay for the bacon in a can, so it wasn’t really courtesy of them, they just sold it to me. Just sayin’.)

Here’s the can…

BaCAN!!!

BaCAN!!!

Here’s the wittyness on the backside… (Band name?)

Funny, my hands are still wet...

Funny, my hands are still wet...

Oh! The government said it’s OK to eat as well! Bonus!

Uncle Sam wants YOU... To... Eat... This?

Uncle Sam wants YOU... To... Eat... This?

So… Yah.

Then the unveiling… At which point, well… Just watch.

A few greasy, awkward moments later…

And here’s the final product in all it’s bacony glory…

Regrets...  I've had a few...

Mistakes... I've made a few...

And then I ate it. Because, obviously. Shit.

Texture: For all the grease found in/on the can, the bacon itself was suprisingly not-super-greasy. Not like good, thick-cut stuff either, really had the consistency of maybe day-old half-warm microwave bacon. Which is to say, not completely horrid, but not amazing either. Definitely on the chewy side. Way chewy.

Taste: It tastes like… Bacon. Mostly. Little bit heavy on the artificial smoke flavor, and somewhat saltier than most bacon I’ve had (all of it). I do keep finding myself snacking on a piece here and there while I finish this entry, so it must not be too bad… but again, that’s one of the intrinsic qualities of bacon; the addictiveness. Also, I’m kinda hungry right now. So I’m sure that’s not helping.

JK Score: 4/10 That’s a hard call. If I’m judging it strictly against other canned items I’ve had in my life, it’s… well, it’s freakin’ bacon, so it gets points based on merit alone. If I’m judging it against actual food? It’s not great. It’s not horrible, make-me-vom either, which I’m honestly pretty damn suprised at given the can opening. So, you know, I’d definitely take it hiking/camping/Apocolypsing. But I’d rather nuke up some crappy microwave bacon for my own personal use any day of the week.

Update: I had to go back and knock it down to 4/10, because 20 minutes, a beer and a cig later, I still have the FaCon (fake bacon!) flavor in my mouth. And it sucks.

Ok, now to de-grease my camera/hands/desk/apartment.

Mo’s Bacon Bar

You got your bacon in my chocolate!

You got your chocolate in my bacon!

Two great tastes that taste great together… Right?

Right?

Right!?!

Hell if I know. I’m just a simple man, born and raised in Corn Field, Illinois.

So, by association, I apparently like the simple things in life… Trucks… Corn… Meat… Cheap… beer… Dammit. I like those things. Stupid upbringing having an affect on my personality and preferences. My simple taste buds couldn’t handle such sophistication as “applewood smoked bacon”, “alderwood smoked salt”, “deep milk chocolate (45% cacao)”, and some pretentious font up top that I can’t identify… because I’m a hick… And don’t care to look it up.

mmmm... pretentious

mmmm... pretentious

Picked this bad boy (do howdy, yah buddy) at one of dem dere Hole Foods for $2.00.

Of course it was in the checkout lane. Because bacon-infused chocolate is an impulse item if there was ever one.

Don’t judge me.

So, sliding the overpriced .5 oz of hippiefood out of it’s protective box, reveals a foil-wrapped lovefest, that’s very well-labeled:

I shall call him... Mini-Bacon-Candy-Bar Me

I shall call him... Mini-Bacon-Candy-Bar Me

Well, that explains the .5oz weight anyway. It’s Mini. Duh.

Snapping the badboy open reveals…

The glory and the light.  And the pork.

The glory and the light. And the pork.

Ok, so… The thing smells like bacon, but with this really weird twinge to it. Not sure if that’s the chocolate talking (smelling?) or what. It’s almost bitter-smelling. If bitter can be a smell. In which case, it is, because I don’t feel like being wrong tonight.

So, here we go:

Texture: Well… It’s chocolate. With MOTHER FUCKING BACON PIECES IN IT. Seriously though, you’d be expecting like baco-bit crunchy stuff (I was, anyway). The pieces are really pretty soft, and almost-melty. It’s weird. Because it’s bacon, and bacon doesn’t/shouldn’t do that. But again, what do I know. Maybe it’s some awesome hippie-food bacon that I’ve never tasted, from pigs who read Vonnegut and hang out at coffee shops. It could happen.

Taste: It’s definitely chocolate with bacon in it. Has that whole sweet/salty thing going, which is pretty awesome in my book, any day of the week. Fortunately, the bacon isn’t amazingly overpowering though. It just sort of works. And that smell I was getting? Yeah, there’s a bit of bitter in the chocolate too, which really keeps throwing me off my game.

JK Score: 7.5/10 Definitely something novel, I couldn’t eat more than .5oz of this in one sitting, you get sick of the whole thing pretty quick, be it from awesome overload, or something altogether different.

By the way, this officially introduces our newest category, “Bacon!”. Because bacon is awesome, and deserves recognition. And bacon. It’s cyclic like that.

Bacon Pancakes (Yes… Bacon MotherEffin’ Pancakes)

I don’t even know how I could sully such a glorious item with inane banter.

So I’m gonna shoot straight. The Original Pancake House (http://www.originalpancakehouse.com/) has THE BEST stuff on earth.

They’re pancakes. WITH MOTHER EFFIN’ BACON IN THEM.

You following me on this? This isn’t pancakes with a side of bacon, or bacon ON pancakes. This is bacon… INSIDE of pancakes.

Allow me to illustrate.

20090625-IMAG0040

See? Awesome. They rule. Find some. Then eat them. Then tell me how awesome they are. Because I’ll agree with you.

Texture: They’re pancakes… WITH BACON IN THEM.

Taste: They’re pancakes… WITH FREAKING BACON INSIDE OF THEM.

JK Score: 10/10 THEY ARE FUCKING PANCAKES, WITH FUCKING BACON IN THEM.

Also, the staff at The Original Pancake House in Denver’s Tech Center location were very nice, attentive, and awesome. And gave me an extra PANCAKE WITH MOTHER LOVIN’ BACON IN IT.

The Original Pancake House
8000 E. Belleview
Greenwood Village, Colorado 80111
303-224-0093

Wendy’s Spicy Baconator

Times I’m glad I’m not an Orthodox Jew:

Christmas: Because, hello… Presents. And Santa. He’s awesome. So much love for Santa.

Celine Dion Concerts: Because really, what’s more beautiful.

Saturdays: Because really when else can you bowl. Also, I enjoy touching buttons, turning on lights, driving cars, etc. during my day off.

Yom Kippur: Anytime I wear white, I usually wind up with some sort of red sauce on it. Even if I’m not eating anything with red sauce. It invariably… just… happens. I can’t explain it. Also, I’m all about my leather shoes.

…And finally, whenever Wendy’s modifies and unleashes on this fair Earth a new and improved Baconator.

This time, Wendy’s hath wrought The Spicy Baconator.

Let’s face facts here: the Baconator is already completely freaking awesome. Let me count the ways:

Way 1: ITS NAME IS THE BACONATOR. (Not be confused with Robert Paulson). That’s brilliant. What’s more awesome than being Baconate… ed? The name strikes fear in the hearts of all and brings with it great implied promises of bacon-related fatality, leaving a swath of baconated ruins in its path. All hail the Baconator.

Way 2: THE BACONATOR HAS A SHITLOAD OF BACON ON IT. To be accurate, it has 6 pieces. That’s like 3 times more bacon than 2 pieces of bacon. That’s a lot of bacon. Little known fact: If you’re completely insane, like my friend Chris, you can actually order a Baconator with EXTRA FREAKING BACON. This has only been known to work once (the one time it was tried, oddly enough) at the Wendys off I65 in Brentwood, TN. I’ll be honest: I cried a little when I saw it. It was glorious.

Way 3: It’s the official burger of the Canadian Football League. No, I’m serious. And if you know any Canadians, you’ll know that they don’t F around when choosing an official football burger. Only the most awesome will make the cut. Enter, THE BACONATOR. It’s cooler in caps.

Way 4: SU NOMBRE ES “EL BACONATOR”. For reals. Even en español. How awesome is that name?

(the answer is: completely)

So, what do you do with something that’s taken the Awesome Bar and not only kicked it up a few notches, but has also snuck into the stadium overnight, stolen the Awesome Bar, flown it to L.A. to be dipped in gold and encrusted in diamonds? (I’m assuming that’s what they do in L.A.)

Well, you put jalapeños on it, swap your mayo out for some chipotle sauce, and swap out the regular cheese for super-awesome pepper jack cheese. That’s what.

You put forth that invitation to behold something very beautiful that can potentially kick your ass as well. (I’m looking at you, Crush from American Gladiators.)

YOU CHALLENGE THE PEOPLE.

Challenge, I say!

…And I humbly accept.

As always, the glamour shot:

And the actual product:

20080311-baconator[tje]

And the dissection:

20080311-baconator inside[tje]

If you look closely, you’ll see that they were very dead-on with the bacon count: the number of bacons is definitely 6. This specimen was a little light on the sauce, which definitely hurt the overall package.

Texture: It’s a Wendy’s burger, nothing out of the ordinary in the mouth-feel department. If you’re a hot wuss, you might be sweating it a little bit with the jalapeño slices, but it’s really not as spicy as I’d hoped.

Taste: The real make or break here is the chipotle sauce in lieu of the may/ketchup/mustard on the original. You’ll either love it or hate it. It’s kind of a sweet/spicy southwest thing going on, similar to the southwest sauce you’d get with an Awesome Blossom, only sweeter and more tomato-y is the only way I can explain it. It’s different, but I’m down with it. It would have been much better with more of the sauce, actually.

JK Score: 8/10 The Baconator demands respect, even in spicy form. I would have gone as far as a 9 here, but the one I got was a little dry in both the meat department and the sauce department. Definitely worth another shot, and BACON-Y.