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Fast Food

Grub with da quickness.

Taco Bell Beefy 5 Layer Burrito

So, Taco Bell, those masters of re-hash, have done it again. They took something that’s basically exactly the same as 79% of the rest of their menu, threw some nacho cheese sauce on it, a “New!” label, and BAMMO! Nirvana achieved, seas part, balloons fall, profits rise, and I eat it.

In that order.

To be completely honest with you, Taco Bell can really do no wrong in my eyes. They could take some cheese, melt it, wrap it in a tortilla, and I’d gladly eat it and love it, and pay almost a dollar for it, because I… Well, because I do that. And the cheesy roll-up is great. AND I HAVE NO DAMN CLUE WHY.

But I digress.

Not to be confused with its distant cousin, the 7-Layer Burrito, which, while awesome, is one of the few meatless items on the TB menu (ironically, the fat/cal count is the same for both), the TBB5LB (we’re tight, so I’m using his initials) makes its beefy-ness/meaty-ness known… by putting “Beefy” in its title.

It’s not all in a name though. Where the TBB5LB also differs from its wussy vegetarian cousin is in the construction and execution. What the name fails to infor the eater of here, is that yes… there’s 5 layers. Yes, there’s beefy-ness. Yes, it is, in fact, a burrito. What it fails to mention is the addition of NACHO CHEESE SAUCE.

And not only that, but it’s been separated by a secondary tortilla layer of lovin’.

And that, my friends, is awesome. Only because by adding that secondary layer, they’ve completely isolated the nacho cheese taste-sation into its own little realm of awesome. And that’s the coup de gras here. Had they slapped all that crap into a burrito singulartity, I would have to say, “Meh.”

But alas, the clever bastards at Taco Bell have some of the world’s finest food architects on staff apparently. And by howdy, are those mofos smart at stuff.

…Specifically, burrito awesomness. I’m wondering if they get Burrito Awesomeness Awards or something. If they don’t, I will start a petition demanding recognition in this strenuous field.

I’m babbling. Here’s how Taco Bell sees the TBB5LB it their mind’s eye:

5layerpromo

Here’s how I see it after ripping it apart in my own eye:

5layeropen

Texture: Like I said, that extra layer really makes the whole thing. You get to really FEEL the cheese sauce, which is much dirtier-sounding than it really is. I think. Regardless, after that, it’s standard-issue beef/bean/cheese/cream burrito action.

Taste: One last time, that nacho sauce makes the whole damn thing. MAKES IT AWESOME, I mean. Yah, it’s good. I dig it.

JK Score: 9/10 Let the record show, that for $0.89, you get actually a fair amount of awesome. I was surprised at how big this dude was. It’s a new era in cheap nasty tastiness.

White Castle Crave Case

Men, being the manly bunch of manly men we are, love a good challenge.

Why did Edmund Hillary climb Mount Everest?

Why did Columbus set for the Americas?

Why did Jim West beat a bear to death with a stick?

Because they could.

Well, except for Jim, who was being attacked by a freaking bear.

So, obviously, when a fast food joint; in this case, White Castle, puts something on the menu that has 30… Well, 30 anythings, but in this case, 30 White Castle burgers in it, what’s a man (or two) to do?

You eat those damn burgers.

Sadly, we’re apparently getting old, and we also had both ate two other regular-human-sized meals prior in the day, so with this being a last-minute thing, we forced our wives to help out. Like any real man would. I think. We were able to force the ladies to eat 3 each, leaving Eric and myself with 12 each.

For those who aren’t privy, White Castle is the burger chain in the Midwest and East coast so famously-features in the Harold & Kumar movie of a similar end-of-title. They’re famous for their “steam-grilled” burgers, full of onion and pickle goodness. With cheese, of course.

Here’s the start of the whole debacle:

20081124-caseunveiling (Custom)
The first 14 went by without much incident:
20081124-14down (Custom)

Getting a little cocky:
20081124-halfway (Custom)

Then eight more:

20081124-22down (Custom)

Then….things got a little hairy. Keep in mind, this entire excursion took place over the course of 26 minutes. The photo above was taken at the 12-minute mark. After that, we both started sweating. I could feel my heartbeat in my face.

28 down:

20081124-28down (Custom)

This was at the 18-minute mark.

The rest of the time was spent trying to keep everything consumed thus-far inside, and focus on the task at hand; finishing those last two bastards. They were taunting us, like little mean-spirited onion-topped babies. That taunt people.

After a bit of coaxing, we both headed into the fray:

20081124-lastones (Custom)

Eric working on his part:

20081124-souplast (Custom)

Me on mine:
20081124-bugereat (Custom)

And, the aftermath:

20081124-aftermath (Custom)

I guess per usual, I’ll bust out the actual review:

Texture: Slyders are awesome. Since they’re ‘steam grilled’ the buns are nice and kinda-soggy, the cheese is all melted up, and the burgers are never burnt. It’s like…perfection. Kinda.

Taste: Hope ya like onions. And pickles. Cuz they’re both prevalent. And really, that’s what hits you around burger 10. The first eight are cake. It’s just rough-going after that point.

JK Score: (burger 1 – 9/10 burger 12 – 1/10) Broke it out for the sake of this experience. The first one was awesome, the last one literally almost made me vom. Had I planned a day around this excursion, things would have been much more bearable, and dare I say, I think the entire case could have readily been handled by two men of significant stature. Or Eric and myself, at least.

Just for the sake of nasty: a single Slyder with cheese has 170 Calories, 9 Grams of Fat, 360mg of Sodium, and 13g of Carbs.

Multiply that by 12.

I love America.

McDonald’s McRib Sandwich

Benjamin Franklin once said, “In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.”

Mr. Franklin was a liar. A dirty, dirty, liar.

Well, maybe not a liar. Just misguided. There’s plenty more in this world that’s certain, but the most important of those is McRib season. And just like taxes, it happens every year. And just like death, it… Uh… Has pickles and onions I guess. Well, I mean, I know the McRib does. Some religions* theorize that on your way to the afterlife you must walk a gauntlet of luscious sweet white onions and thinly-sliced dill pickles to prove your worth to the gods.

And every year, the McRib walks that gauntlet for you, and comes back (for a limited time only). It’s like pressed-rib-formed-meat-with-fake-grill-marks Easter, really. But without the brightly colored eggs. Or rabbits.

Well, maybe rabbits. I’m not totally sure what’s in these.

But, what I do know, is that I love the McRib. So, thusly, this review is going to be pretty one-sided and full of conflicts of interest since the McRib and I have had a long long affair going back over the eons.

Hell, I even broke out the good camera for this one:

Covered:
20081027-006 [tje]

Naked and vulnerable:
20081027-007 [tje]

You know, the McRib is pretty basic when you get down to it. It’s pork (presumably), that’s boneless, then re-formed into a boney-shaped mass… gobs of BBQ sauce, onions, and pickles, on a roll. But the McRib is more than the sum of its parts. It’s like a leprechaun, a unicorn, or a hot lesbian makeout session; it’s mystical, beautiful, and is something that only occurs when you least expect it. In 2008, McRib season overlapped with McDonald’s Monopoly. I’m in heaven.

Texture: Honestly, not so hot. You got your formed-meat patty-chunk thing going on, which is odd, but it’s salvaged by the crisp chunks of onion and pickle.

Taste: Seriously? It’s the McRib. Sure, if you look at it from a strictly objective point of view, the meat alone is pretty bland, and the sauce is wayyyy sugary. But, I never claimed to be objective, so this is the best damn thing on the planet, ever, in the history of anything.

JK Score: 10/10. Like you didn’t see it coming. BAM! McRib dominating the chart, IN YO FACE!

*No real religion that I know of, but I would definitely subscribe to their newsletter if they exist.

Taco Bell Cheesy Double Beef Burrito

What’s more dense than The Arches Cluster, cheesier than Chester Cheetah singing Rick Astley songs on a tour of the Eau Galle Cheese Factory, has more rice than a Fast and the Furious DVD box set, and is double-beefier than… Uh…

Double beefer… Beefier… Uhh… Hrm.

Crap. I don’t even have a reference point for double-beefier. I totally screwed that up. I can’t even twist that around using something super obscure.

Double beefier than… Two cows… Um… Oh. Two cows… On steroi… no, that’s dumb.

Dammit. I suck.

Seriously. I HAD this! I totally blew it. Like a George Michael… joke?

Shit.

To hell with it. Taco Bell has this thing, it’s got a lot of beef and cheese and rice in it. It’s 89 cents, and it’s tasty. And dense. It’s very filling, and it’s cheap. You should go buy it, and eat it, because it’s tasty.

I lamented the loss of the Cheesy Beefy Melt greatly. This is close, but no cigar. But it will do until Taco Bell listens to the masses and brings the CBM back to glory. Instead of melted cheese and sour cream, they’re just slapping some nacho sauce in there, and leaving out the crema. It works though.

As tiny and cheap as they are, you’d probably think to yourself, “self, this is tiny and cheap. I probably need like 5 of them to get my fill”. This is completely false. I had 2, and thought I was going to die. Blame it on the rice, or the slightest bending of space and time, but these little bastards pack a filling punch.

I ate these yesterday, and didn’t think to take any pictures of them, because I was actually hungry, but here’s the press shot to hold you over. It’s a burrito.

20080527-cheesydoublebeef

I’ll give you a hint, the actual product looks less like this, and more like a bunch of crap a Taco Bell magical dwarf slopped into a tortilla shell.

Texture: The cheese sauce makes everything nice and kinda-smooshy, and the rice brings it back up. It’s a roller-coaster of textural delight. But it’s Taco Bell still.

Taste: The cheese sauce makes everything nice and cheesy-tasting, and the rice tastes rice-y. It’s a roller-coaster of tastural delight. But it’s Taco Bell still.

JK Score: 6.5/10 It’s honestly a little boring, but it’s still good. All the ingredients just harmonize together and work, but it’s nothing amazing. And as far as the taste/filling/value calculations go, you really can’t beat it if you’re poor and hungry. Will get again.

McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich

Things the new McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich has in it’s favor:

1) It is not directly associated with any country singers.

2) Butter. If it’s something Paula Deen is onboard with, you’ve gotta be an evil, evil person (or Calista Flockhart, who may be included in the prior, I’m not saying, but…you know) to not appreciate anything with butter.

3) Some dude on the (purple) box that looks like he’s about to score with some capri-pants-wearing hobag. You go, playa.

20080508-sochickbox

Things the new McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich has going against it:

1) That same awesome, purple box is pressuring me to “Savour”, (which is clearly a Canadian word) my Southern Style Chicken. Maybe they mean Toronto when they refer to Southern Style. I’m confused now. Did this chicken sammich illegally cross some borders? Am I aiding and abetting? Crap. I didn’t even know. I hope it’s not a coke-filled mule.

20080508-sochicksavour

One way to find out, the dissection:
20080508-sochickopen

That’s it, man. Not a whole lot to see here. Looks like they’re going for the less-is-more-Canadian-awesome vibe here, vis-a-vis (French!) Chick-fil-A.

Texture: It’s chicken. More specifically, it’s Chick-fil-A. That nice, not-over-battered coating, pretty moist inside. Pretty nice chicken. Standard-issue McDonald’s burger bun, though.

Taste: It’s chicken. More specifically, it’s Chick-fil-A. With a McDonald’s bun. Seriously. It’s pretty damn close. I haven’t had Chik-fil-A in a while, but it’s just how I remember it, maybe a little “butter-y-er”. And no waffle fries. šŸ™ But, McDonald’s is open on Sunday.

JK Score: 8/10 I really like the chicken itself, but the bun throws it off, I keep expecting a cheeseburger. It’s a reasonable facsimile of Chik-Fil-A though, which I freakin love, so I’ll get it again, but I’ll lament the lack of waffle fries. On the other hand, I can get this on a Sunday, at least.

Wendy’s Spicy Baconator

Times I’m glad I’m not an Orthodox Jew:

Christmas: Because, hello… Presents. And Santa. He’s awesome. So much love for Santa.

Celine Dion Concerts: Because really, what’s more beautiful.

Saturdays: Because really when else can you bowl. Also, I enjoy touching buttons, turning on lights, driving cars, etc. during my day off.

Yom Kippur: Anytime I wear white, I usually wind up with some sort of red sauce on it. Even if I’m not eating anything with red sauce. It invariably… just… happens. I can’t explain it. Also, I’m all about my leather shoes.

…And finally, whenever Wendy’s modifies and unleashes on this fair Earth a new and improved Baconator.

This time, Wendy’s hath wrought The Spicy Baconator.

Let’s face facts here: the Baconator is already completely freaking awesome. Let me count the ways:

Way 1: ITS NAME IS THE BACONATOR. (Not be confused with Robert Paulson). That’s brilliant. What’s more awesome than being Baconate… ed? The name strikes fear in the hearts of all and brings with it great implied promises of bacon-related fatality, leaving a swath of baconated ruins in its path. All hail the Baconator.

Way 2: THE BACONATOR HAS A SHITLOAD OF BACON ON IT. To be accurate, it has 6 pieces. That’s like 3 times more bacon than 2 pieces of bacon. That’s a lot of bacon. Little known fact: If you’re completely insane, like my friend Chris, you can actually order a Baconator with EXTRA FREAKING BACON. This has only been known to work once (the one time it was tried, oddly enough) at the Wendys off I65 in Brentwood, TN. I’ll be honest: I cried a little when I saw it. It was glorious.

Way 3: It’s the official burger of the Canadian Football League. No, I’m serious. And if you know any Canadians, you’ll know that they don’t F around when choosing an official football burger. Only the most awesome will make the cut. Enter, THE BACONATOR. It’s cooler in caps.

Way 4: SU NOMBRE ES “EL BACONATOR”. For reals. Even en espaƱol. How awesome is that name?

(the answer is: completely)

So, what do you do with something that’s taken the Awesome Bar and not only kicked it up a few notches, but has also snuck into the stadium overnight, stolen the Awesome Bar, flown it to L.A. to be dipped in gold and encrusted in diamonds? (I’m assuming that’s what they do in L.A.)

Well, you put jalapeƱos on it, swap your mayo out for some chipotle sauce, and swap out the regular cheese for super-awesome pepper jack cheese. That’s what.

You put forth that invitation to behold something very beautiful that can potentially kick your ass as well. (I’m looking at you, Crush from American Gladiators.)

YOU CHALLENGE THE PEOPLE.

Challenge, I say!

…And I humbly accept.

As always, the glamour shot:

And the actual product:

20080311-baconator[tje]

And the dissection:

20080311-baconator inside[tje]

If you look closely, you’ll see that they were very dead-on with the bacon count: the number of bacons is definitely 6. This specimen was a little light on the sauce, which definitely hurt the overall package.

Texture: It’s a Wendy’s burger, nothing out of the ordinary in the mouth-feel department. If you’re a hot wuss, you might be sweating it a little bit with the jalapeƱo slices, but it’s really not as spicy as I’d hoped.

Taste: The real make or break here is the chipotle sauce in lieu of the may/ketchup/mustard on the original. You’ll either love it or hate it. It’s kind of a sweet/spicy southwest thing going on, similar to the southwest sauce you’d get with an Awesome Blossom, only sweeter and more tomato-y is the only way I can explain it. It’s different, but I’m down with it. It would have been much better with more of the sauce, actually.

JK Score: 8/10 The Baconator demands respect, even in spicy form. I would have gone as far as a 9 here, but the one I got was a little dry in both the meat department and the sauce department. Definitely worth another shot, and BACON-Y.

McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito

Y’all can go ahead and just mark your calendars, for this is the (glorious) day that TJE (that’s this site, btw) sold out, jumped the shark, went corporate, became a shill, sold its soul, and otherwise succumbed to the shiny draw of free crap.

I received this email yesterday:

Hi JK,

I work for XXXXXXX, a public relations firm in Chicago and as a fellow fast food connoisseur, I wanted to reach out to you about a 2-day free burrito event at McDonald’s.

On February 28-29 McDonalds’ across the country will be offering a free McSkillet Burrito with the purchase of any medium or large beverage during breakfast hours. The McSkillet Burrito includes breakfast favorites such as fresh scrambled eggs, sausage and skillet potatoes with melted cheddar jack and American cheese, roasted red and green bell peppers and salsa roja wrapped in a warm tortilla.

Don’t miss your chance to enjoy a zesty, breakfast burrito
‘on the house’ early Thursday and Friday morning!

Let me know if you would have any questions. Thanks!

Best,
XXXXXX

Granted, between receiving this myself, getting the deal, and telling you about it, this leaves you East Coast-ers pretty screwed on the deal. West Coast folks have a few hours though, so get on it, because it’s a national promotion.

Regardless, the only thing better than new food items is FREE food items. Kinda free. Free with purchase, anyway. So…. Not really free. But vastly, promotionally (it’s an adverb, it’s real, I don’t care what spell check says) discounted. And really, that’s good enough for me. I normally grab a 32oz Diet Coke on my way into work a couple times a week, so to get a free (with the selling of soul and loss of journalistic integrity) burrito was just icing on the proverbial cake.

Amazingly, the line at the drive-through was incredibly short at 7:50am, and none of the cars in front of me took advantage of the deal. One lady did take about 5 minutes to order 5 custom-ordered biscuits though.

Anyway got my order, got it back to my desk, and took pictures of it. Because, that’s what normal people do. Seriously.

20080229-McSkillet 001

This guy is a beast. Old/nasty penny for size. It’s much, much bigger than a penny.

I’m going into comparing it mainly to McDonald’s old-school, traditional Breakfast Burrito, which, quite frankly, is crap. Tiny chunks o’ sausage, little pieces of egs, and sparse veggies. Just generally dry and sucky. That said, this is like going from, well, McDonald’s, to someplace much better than McDonald’s. Like… A real diner or something. It’s weird, and unexpected.

Seriously, check it out! While it’s not very visually appealing, there’s all sorts of actual food items up in here.

20080229-McSkillet 002

The 6 major food groups are all represented:
-Tortilla
-Sausage
-Eggs
-Cheese
-Taters
-Some veggies

It’s like a day’s worth of everything, in one package. Brilliant. Best parts – The sausage is like an actual sausage patty, with the normal McDonald’s spicing going on. The taters are old-school American skillet Potatoes. The eggs are de reguir for McD’s, but where this beast really shines is the cheese/sauce thing (salsa rojo). It’s actually pretty tasty/cheesy/rojo-y, and it really tied the room together.

Texture: It’s a breakfast burrito, it just doesn’t suck. The eggs were a good, solid fake-egg-like consistency, the sausage was all firm and sausage-y, and the potatoes really added something to it, which is really hard to describe, but overall it worked. I was shocked. I’m still not a huge fan of McD’s tortilla, because it’s a little chewy, but it’s not horrid.

Taste: Honestly, much better than I thought it would be. Free or not. Seriously. It didn’t suck. Seriously! Really, the stars here are the cheese/sauce and the sausage. They make it. Without these items, the McSkillet would be nothing. NOTHING! Well, technically, it would still be something, but not decent, or a real breakfast burrito thinger.

JK Score: 7/10 Even if it wasn’t free, I’d still order it. I’ll actually probably get this next time I hit a McD’s for breakfast. It’s pretty decent, and like an uber-deluxe, non-crappy version of the regular burrito offering.

Jack In The Box Sirloin Steak Melt

The Day The Commercial Lied

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
How those Superbowl ads made me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could buy those products fast
And, maybe, I’d be happy for a while.

But Superbowl Sunday made me shiver
With every commercial they’d deliver
Images on the TV set;
Making promises they’d regret

I can’t remember if I tried
To have nasty-dirty 70’s swinger sex in a hot tub after eating the Jack In The Box Sirloin Steak Melt value meal with a Diet Coke and be denied…
*breath*
But something touched me deep inside (wait… damn, that sounds dirty in this context)
The day
The commercial…
Lied.

…. Yah. I didn’t score after eating this. Granted, I’m nowhere near a hot tub, or even other people right now, but that’s irrelevant. I expect RESULTS, dammit!

Oh well. I’ll just stick to typing reviews after eating I guess. I’m at least 30% less likely to catch an STD that way. I’m not sure how many blogging-related cases there are of syphilis, but I’m willing to guess that the number is less than 100/year.

Oh, hey, food.

OK, I’ll admit I’m just generally not a huge eater of Jack In the Box. The whole fracas in the mid-90s with the food poisoning just kinda embedded itself in my head for whatever reason. I’m not sure why. I normally like their stuff, but I think the fact that there’s not many directly in my face daily just keep me out of the loop.

I digress.

It was the 4th quarter of Superbowl XLII, things were finally starting to get interesting, and the above commercial ran. And I said, damn, I wonder what that’s like. Per norm , here’s the JIB-Approved Glamour Shot:


If for some reason, you’d like to see a picture of this in 3508×2726 (I’m serious) glory, click here.

And then the actual product:
20080205-JIBSirloin
And the gooey center:
20080205-JIBSirloinOpen

Texture: There is a lot of cheese on this beast. 3 kinds, according to Mr. In The Box. Definitely no shortage of cheese there. The steak itself is on the chewy side, and I hit fat a few times, which I see as a good thing almost, since it verifies that it’s an actual meat product. A little comforting. The sourdough bread had a nice crisp outside/chewy inside thing going on.

Taste: Actually, not bad. Seemed like an excessive amount of butter went into the bread-grilling process, it’s pretty damn rich. The onions were nice and mild, and looked like actual onions. The meat alone was pretty salty, but decent otherwise. Really, not too shabby. I was shocked.

JK Score: 7/10 Points deducted for the amount of fat I hit, and the fact that it was almost too rich.

I really wanna do a 7.5 on here, but I don’t feel like I’m mentally prepared to venture into assigning half-points yet. It’s really a big commitment, those fractional numbers. And I’ve been hurt by fractions before. Namely by the pointy fraction-sign part. I have to admit, decimals have never done me wrong. But after the fraction-sign incident of 1998, I’m just really reluctant to open myself up for fear of getting hurt again.

DAMN YOU, 3/8!!!

P.S. – Because I’m a sucker for promotional websites, I hit MakeAJackSandwich.com and played with their little flash app.

It’s like I’m really snuggling with a plastic-headed mascot!

Taco Bell Cheesy Gordita Crunch

There’s something especially awesome about Taco Bell. I’ll never put my finger on it completely, but I know it involves magical dwarfs. And not like Snow White cutesy-named dwarfs, either. I’m talking about magical dwarf-tossee dwarfs with tattoos and mohawks. Magical dwarfs who haven’t shaved in a couple weeks and have noserings.

I’m talking about the real dwarfs. Out there, on the street, keeping it real. Real freaking magical at Taco Bell, that is.

Why are they magical, you ask?

Easy. They have the power to take the 5 hallowed ingredients (mas o menos) and constantly turn out creations that, no matter how dumb and repetitive they may seem, are consistently awesome and cool.

That, my friend, takes a special kind of magical tattooed dwarf touch. You ain’t getting this mojo out of a Keebler tree. Those guys are way too clean cut. Too afraid to tell The Man to screw off, and/or show up to work drunk. Too afraid to LIVE.

What about dwarfs on a farm with a lot of random money for cool tractors and Volkswagens? You gotta be kidding me. They don’t know a Gordita from a… something that rhymes with Gordita and exists on a farm, or reality television.

Leprechauns? Nope, sadly, they’re generally too drunk. There’s a fine line where magical “take a swig from your tiny flask on break” drunk crosses over into “peeing on every rainbow-chaser looking for gold” drunk. Once this line is crossed, all Tex-Mex fast food touched by said magical dwarf instantly catches on fire. Which, while awesome in its own right, does not a tasty Meximelt make.

So, that leaves us with the heroes of the everyman, the rough-and-tumble magical 5-ingredient-combining tattooed, vodka-swilling, pierced, rude, and unkempt dwarves that are known to inhabit the corners of every Taco Bell on the planet.

May God Bless their tiny, awesome hearts, for they bring us such enlightening goods as:

The Cheesy Gordita Crunch
20080110-Cheesy Gordita-734175
Now, on the surface, and based on the description, there’s nothing great here. You’re looking at your standard flatbreadish Gordita shell, some melted cheese, a hard taco shell, some meat, a little more cheese, taco meat, lettuce, and ranch mexisauce… stuff.

Glamour shots:

The Unveiling-

20080110-cgc

The Reveal-

20080110-cgc-inside

The Ties That Bind-

20080110-cgc-cheese

Texture: Heading in for the first bite, it’s a little awkward. The Gordita shell really takes the spotlight here, and is prevalent through every bite. Makes things very soft and interesting. The hard shell, pretty much like every other hard-shell-inside-stuff item isn’t all that hard, so there’s not a huge contrast, just a bit o’ difference.

Taste: Really, and I wasn’t expecting this, the ranchy-spicy sauce really makes this thing work. The mythical “3 cheese blend” holding everything together just tasted off, thankfully there wasn’t a whole lot of it, and it really didn’t stand out once everything else got going.

JK Score: 7/10 While it’s no Bacon Cheeseburger Burrito (for the love of all that is holy, please bring this back!!), I’d definitely get the CGC (we’re tight like that, I can abbreviate) again. Add in some Fire Sauce (a must), and it’s game on. I just had the CGC, and a Meximelt, and I’m pleasantly full. Thank you, Magical Taco Bell Dwarfs!

Hardee’s Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger

I was going to just run through McD’s last week, but at the last minute I decided I hadn’t really ate all day, so I went to Hardee’s to try their semi-latest (they had it last year, but I never got to try it) burger abomination: the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger.

Picture, if you will, a burger. I’m going to just go through the layers of this bastard starting at the bottom:

Bun.
Hamburger.
Chee… NO!!! Wait. No cheese! Not yet! MORE MEAT. Yah, thin-sliced ‘steak’ whateverness. I need meat on my meat dammit. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Ok, now two kinds of melted-ass cheese.
Mushroom/sauteed onion/green pepper sprinklings.
Bun #2.

The press photo paints a pretty picture that’s a bit extreme.
HARDEE'S PHILLY CHEESESTEAK THICKBURGER

In reality, there’s nowhere near that much philly meat, and the two cheeses on mine were intertwined, but completely melted, which was awesome. Seriously, I may have been really hungry or something, but this thing was fucking great.

Of course, I cam nowhere near finishing it. But it was incredible.

Texture: If you’ve had Hardee’s Mushroom 1/3 pound Thickburger, you’re on the right track. With all the meltiness and mushroom/onion/peppers, you really miss the extra meat texture in there, which wasn’t tough at all, like I’d expected.

Flavor: Again, I was REALLY hungry when I ate this, but it combines two of my favorites: Burgers and fast-food interpretations of Philly Cheesesteaks. (I grew up on Steak Umms, so I’m kinda biased towards not giving a shit). Honestly, there was just a bit too much meat. What I finished of it, I wound up tossing the burger patty aside and just focusing on the Bonus Material.

JK SCORE: 7/10. Seriously, aside from the just-a-tad-too-much-meat, this thing just rocked my pants. Shocker, I know.