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Drinks

The liquid refreshment-izers of the world.

Twisted Pine Brewing Ghost Face Killah (Beer)

Peppa style!
Peppa style!
Hot-ass beer ain’t nothin to eff wit.
Hot-ass beer ain’t nothin to eff wit.
Hot-ass beer ain’t nothin to eff wit.

I don’t always review beer, (mostly because I’m not an über beer snob at leave that to the pros at Beer Advocate), but when I do, it’s because I can’t feel my lips, and holy crapnuggets.

Being in Colorado, which is one of the top-producing/consuming craft beer states in the country, I’m spoiled rotten with readily available awesome beer at my fingertips, constantly. That said, I still love me some completely screwed up brew on occasion, much like the god-awful Mama Mia Pizza Beer I tried once in IL.

Also being in Colorado, the hip-hop scene is fairly non-existent, so combine three things I think are awesome, (beer, hot stuff, and Wu-Tang references), and I’m all up on that.

Before we get into the actual beverage though, there’s a bit of history to be told, and some clarity to bring to the table. So with that in mind, here’s a short list of the similarities and differences between this beer and its namesake.

1) While Ghostface Killah (the beer) really lacks the proper management and industry networking to get licenses and royalties ironed out, Ghostface (the man) did record an awesome remix of an Amy Winehouse song

2) While Ghostface Killah (the MC) does indeed spit hot fire, he is not brewed with 6 types of peppers, including Anaheim, Fresno, Jalapeño, Serrano, Habaneor, and Bhut Jolokia (aka Ghost Pepper).

3) Although I haven’t met GFK in person, I can pretty much guarantee he wouldn’t make my lips burn. If he did, there would be a slew of questions that would quickly follow the sensation, the first being “why the hell did you kiss me, Ghost?”

4) GFK (the beverage) was never a member of the Wu-Tang Clan, although Twisted Pine Brewery has applied for “World’s Hottest Beer” with the Guinness World Record folks, which would put it somewhere in the same degree of celebrity, but not really at all.

For those of you who like your asinine data in chart form:

….but I digress.

So, totally have this beer. Ghostface Killah, from Twisted Pine Brewing in Boulder, CO.. I love hot stuff, so I figured this was right up my alley, and picked up a bottle for $4 at my local uber-beer-store-place.

Obligatory packaging photos:

Things that are cooler than flaming skulls: Um... Nothing.

Words n' stuff

And the beer, as poured:

Hooray, beer!

I’ll spare you the beer-snobbery stuff that I’ll probably butcher anyway, and just tell you what’s up, standard TJE-style. And by TJE-style, I mean the actual review, not waiting 8 months between posts. (doh.)

Like I said, I like hot stuff. Bring it the hell on. I’ve had chili beers before, and while I’ve mostly enjoyed them just out of the uniqueness aspect, I’ve never had anything that I’d really consider “hot”, just like a 4/10 on the hot scale of what I can really tolerate, with 10 being “Holy crap, my anus will burn for a week if I finish consuming what’s in my mouth”.

Having drank approximately half of this bottle (over the course of the last hour and change, and with the help of my awesome, and apparently very spice-tolerant wife), I’d put this at a solid 7. As a beer, it’s nothing amazing. It’s the chilies and such that really make this beast. It hits you when you smell it. And holy crap when you take a sip. And you have to sip it. I’d contemplated making a video of me attempting to chug the remainder of it, but I decided against having vomit all over our office and my PC. And cat. Because ew. Beer-pepper-spray cat-mace-vomit is just mean/nasty. And mostly nasty.

Oh. The flavor. It actually has a really good roasted pepper flavor. I despise smokey beers, but I really like this for some reason. But that flavor is quickly overrun with HOLYCRAPTHAT’SHOT. It’s that kind of hot that sticks on your lips, hangs out in the back of your throat, and has you sweating a few minutes later, but not running around like an idiot looking for ice cream, or sticking your head in a bucket of water like a 50’s cartoon character.

Me gusta.

Taste: Roasted, spicy, Sleepy, Dopey, Donner, Blitzen. HOT. It’s just a freaking hot beer. Any trace of flavor in your head is just quickly wiped out of your brainstem by your mind nugget trying to figure out what in the hell is actually going on in your mouthal area.

Texture: Liquid-y. Like a beer. Because it’s beer. I’d pontificate on mouth feel and other snobbery, but it’s just a damn beer.

JK Score: 7/10 Like I said, as a beer on its own merit, meh. As a beer that’s awesome because it’s freaking spicy as hell and has freaking GHOST PEPPERS IN IT, it’s pretty damn good and interesting and make-you-sweaty-but-releasing-endorphins-because-the-body-is-weird. And any beer that makes me release endorphins is a just dandy in my book.

Anheuser Busch Budweiser & Clamato Chelada

You got your Budweiser in my Clamato!

You got your Clamato in my Budweiser!

….really, either way, you’re both screwed.

20080212-clamataocrap

This beast is exactly what it says on the can; Budweiser (or Bud Light if you’re a wuss), Clamato, and “sal y limon” (because all español must be in italics).

Of course, things are never as simple as they look. Clamato is an unholy union of clam broth and tomato juice. Of course, “Budweiser, Tomato Juice, and Clam Broth con sal y limon” doesn’t read well. But, I’m all about truth in labeling/advertising.

Granted, once you hit that point, you’re really looking at a slippery slope. Where does it end?

I mean, breaking down Budweiser is just silly, and besides “Rice, Barley Malt, Water, Hops, Yeast, Tomato Juice, and Clam Broth con sal y limon” would be really hard to fit on the can.

Con sal y limon.

I went into this hoping for some sort of Bloody Mary-type concoction. I’m very pro-Bloody Mary, even if it makes me feel like a 60 year old woman whenever I order one. And I like beer. I can’t say I’ve ever had Clamato, but by association, I’m pro-tomato juice as well. So I’m in favor of like, 80% of the ingredients of this. The clam section was the wildcard, but I’m pro-clam chowder, so I thought it was safe.

Nope.

Pouring out the can into a glass, just to see what I was about to get into, I was greeted with what looked like grapefruit juice. Very little beer head, and what was there disappeared quickly, leaving a weird little Clamato con sal y limon ring around the glass. Took a sniff. All ingredients were represented. It was… weird.

Taste: I’ll just say this: it was NOT any sort of Bloody Mary-type concoction. I should’ve known better. It was, and I’m going to type this out as one hyphenated word, because that’s how it hits you:
watered-down-kinda-Bud-tasting-HOLYCRAPSALT-hey-is-that-tomato-juice-
gah-more-salt-clam?-is-that-clam?-worcestershire-sauce-poop.

Con sal y limon.

And actually, I didn’t taste a single bit of limon. It may very well have been in there, but it got lost in the hyphens if so.

Texture: It had the mouthfeel (check it out, I’m a beer taster) of watered down Budweiser with some tiny psuedo-pulp from the Clamato goin on in it. And some SUPER light carbonation. Con sal y limon. Nothing too severe either way, just kinda there.

JK Score: 0/10 I feel like I’m handing out zeroes left and right lately, but dammit all if I’m not running across some nasty shit out there in the world. Again, this may be a cultural thing like the Prepared Squid/Shrimp Chips, but being an Age 18-34 Whiteboy (official marketing demographic term, look it up), it sucks. Con sal y limon.