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Wasabi Gumballs

Hunger Strike – Day 307:

The first 305 days really weren’t too shabby. Lot of time to play chess, read books, hallucinate, and pass out form lack of nutrition. Day 306, I started looking at bookshelves funny. Not because they were starting to look like food, just because I thought it said something to me. About holding books. When the bookcases become self-aware, look out Jujubear.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

Luckily, one of my loyal readers and old friends from high school sent me a bunch of random most-likely-nasty stuff entirely too long ago (Hey Stacy!). So I decided to eat it.

Oh hey, look. Stuff!

They're so angry!

What could possibly go wrong?

And green!

Looking at the thingers… They’re greener than a green… something. Sorry, it’s been a while since I’ve done this, I’m kinda rusty. They’re green.

They don’t smell like anything, which is either really really good, or really really not good.

Texture: Well, it definitely exploded in my mouth. With dryness. Very weird. And then it turned into an incredibly hard piece of gum within about 4.6 seconds.

Taste: Horrible. Not wasabi at all. I have absolutely no idea what it was, but it sucked. Not like “holy crap I have to spit this out before I catch mouth-death”, but more “wow, this just sucks”. Very weird.

Did I mention it was weird?

I really got to polish up this whole “writing” thing.

Oh, hi! I’m back.

Bigass Orange Gummy Bear

Big bear! Big bear chase me!

…and… be orange flavored. And gummy.

It was bound to happen. The irradiation of all of our food items, while making them nice and glossy and longer-lasting, was bound to have side effects. And sadly, the first to be affected are always the gummy bears.

Seriously. It’s sad.

Also, they’re apparently the first food items to be put in Han Solo-style tombs and displayed in the prize area at Dave & Busters. I can’t into the specific details of how so many superflourous tickets were acquired, but let’s just say I’m not proud of the things I did for a bucket of paper scraps.

People of the court, if you will… Exhibit A: “Bear in plastic”

It's like a regular gummy bear....but all individually wrapped.  Oh, and huge.

It's like a regular gummy bear....but all individually wrapped. Oh, and huge.

Upon closer inspection, you will also see that this particular neon-orange bear is, oddly enough, “Orange Flavor”.

I has an Orange Flavor

I has an Orange Flavor

And just for the sake of proving the validity of the “Bigass” portion of my statement regarding the bear, I present Exhibit A, alongside Exhibit B, which I call “cat”, for scale and proportion.

No kitty, that's my pot pie... Err.. Giant nasty gummy bear thing.

No kitty, that's my pot pie... Err.. Giant nasty gummy bear thing.

Flip the badboy upside down, and you’ll see the “Nutrition” facts. I put that in swarmy quotes because the single bear contained within has OVER A THOUSAND FUGGING CALORIES. Oh, according to some savvy conversions it weighs about 3/4 of a pound.

This is some serious-ass gummy here.

...so I cheat a little on my Atkins diet.

...so I cheat a little on my Atkins diet.

I’m going to preface the unveiling and consumption video below with two statements:
1) I’m freakin tired, easily distracted, and not completely sure what I’m doing.
2) The audio goes completely out of sync at the end. Sorry.

…yah. It’s gummy.

I seriously took one more bite out of the thing about 5 minutes post-video, and had to spit it out. It’s just too much sugar. I mean… wow.

Texture: Hah. Hah. As you can see in the vid, it’s definitely gummy. And by gummy, I mean more dense than and chewier than Abe Vigoda.

Cuz… He’s chewy. Like a fox. Did I mention I’m tired?

Seriously? The thing is chewier than all get-out, and has the consistency of one of those gummy erasers. If you tried to eat one. Which… You shouldn’t.

Taste: It’s orange for damn sure. Smells like orange Jello… tastes like… really, really, sweet orange gummy. Just stupid sweet. Also like Abe Vigoda.

JK Score: 3/10 It gets points for performing as advertised, but anything I can’t consume more than two bites of automatically gets docked. I mean, given the dietary info, it’s probably not a bad thing necessarily, but c’mon. Plus my jaw hurts. From two bites.