Things JK Eats

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Preserved (1000 Year Old) Duck Eggs

... Ugh.

You're tuned into another very special entry on TJE, one that's mostly videos, without a lot of witty commentary, because the videos speak volumes. A picture being worth a thousand words, I have a total of 7 minutes and 54 seconds with of video below. Assuming 25 frames per second or so, that works out to roughly 474,000 words. That's a lot to take in, so I'll save you the banter and get to the back story.

I was in Champaign-Urbana last weekend for my friend Jim's going away party. Also present were Chris, Cari, Ryan, and Chef Benjamin. Ben brought me back these "treats" from his trip to SF a while back. The 1,000 Year Egg (also known as the Century Egg, and less awesomely known as the Preserved Egg) is basically a chemically 'pickled' egg. Wikipedia has a whole nice entry on the background of the beast.

Here's a vid of the unveiling, and the smelling by various people.

*NOTE* The vids below were taken after a night of drinking, so there's plenty of language, may not be completely work-safe.

Also, half-lit is the only way to ever approach these things.



In short, they smelled like ass.

After this was shot, we moved outside, since it was the safest spot in case of regurgitation, and to keep the smell out of the house.

Again, there's a strong language warning on here. Also, if you don't like seeing nasty things that have been chewed up and spit back out, you may want to avoid. Otherwise, it's a good watch.



The thing that shocked me the most was the smell. Just so STRONG. It embeds itself in your skin, and I literally had the taste in my mouth the next day. I'm not sure if I'll be able to eat/smell regular eggs for a while as a result. I have a generally strong gag reflex, and these just put me over the top. I still get a little queasy thinking about the taste/smell.

Ugh.

Anyway.

Texture: Um. You saw in the video. The outside is kind of a gelatinous kind-of-egg vibe. It's just like a regular egg white, only a little chewier. The inside? It's unholy death. You have a thin membrane of hard boiled egg yolk, with this gooey center. It's bizarre.

Taste: As I said in the video, it tastes exactly how it smells. How does it smell? Like ass. Aquarium. (Because of the sulfer). Rotten eggs. Dirt. Poop. Just... Horrible.

JK Score: -10/10 I'm setting the bottom of my scale at -10 now officially, by the way. This is the most unholy, god-awful thing I've ever put in my body. Ever. I'd rather eat a dried squid sandwich with a side of shrimp chips any day of the week. I don't feel horrible not making it through this, as Andrew Zimmern couldn't do it either. And now I know why.

UGH.

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Doritos "The Quest" Chips

(An open letter to Doritos, by JK)

Dear Doritos,

You suck. You're mean. Who do you think you are? Here you are, one of the last bastions of good old American fat-assery, forcing your loyal customers to go out and actually do things? Not even that, you're DEMANDING they figure out what the hell it is they're actually eating, and then go to some web site and do puzzles or something?



I suppose some people will commend your latest move. "They" will say things like, "oh, Doritos is really challenging the public, making them use their minds and improve themselves".

I've got news for you, Doritos. "They" are idiots. And assholes. Seriously. I really freaking hate "They".

I'm old-school. I want a bag to tell me what the bloody hell I'm supposedly tasting. Let me in on the secret. Say, "hey JK, we made these chips, we put a whole lot of work into them to make them super-special for you, and they taste like... I dunno, how about Burger King fries with ketchup on them?"

That's all I want. Tell me what the hell you think things are supposed to taste like, just so I have an idea of what direction to go with things.

And you know what else, Doritos? You know what else? I don't think you even told us what the last "flavor guessing venture" wound up being? I obviously could be very wrong here, but I'm really too lazy to look it up, and I don't remember CBS breaking into How I Met Your Mother to announce it, so it never happened in my world. Great show, by the way.

So, in summation, you're assholes. Or an asshole. I'm not sure if Doritos is plural or some guys last name. I guess I should look that up too. But I hate research.

Um... Oh. Also, screw you for demanding that I not only tell you what your chips taste like, but then be all like "hey fat ass, go solve a puzzle since you ate all your chips.... fatty". You don't even have to say it, I can tell you're thinking it. You've always been judgemental like that, Doritos.

Also, if I didn't bother googling to see what the flavor of the last Mystery Dorito is, what makes you think I'm going to go solve some puzzles and/or take control of... something at some web site?

I'm not. But it's only to show you Who's the Boss, not because I'm lazy. Dammit. It's time I took charge in this relationship.

Love,
JK






Oh, I totally ate these chips too.

Here's the bag. I've only seen them in the smaller .99 size, not in the 'regular bag' size:



And, for whatever reason, the actual chip.



Texture: It's... A... Dorito.

Taste: Um... It's lime-y. My friend Chris thinks Margarita, which I could see, since it's lime-y, and really sweet, like a sweet n' sour mix. Definitely no tequila though. Honestly, they don't really taste like much. Imagine taking one of those Hint of Lime Tostitos , and loading a buttload of that flavor onto the chips, and making it a tad bit sweeter. Really, as far as mystery-flavors-that-chip-makers-are-too-damn-lazy-to-name-and-turn-it-into-a-veiled-contest-of-some-sort, these are kind of a letdown. I was hoping for at least something interesting, like Kangaroo and Chives or Farts and Bleu Cheese. Something.

JK Score: 4.5/10 If you take these for what they are, they're just lime Doritos. Which on their own, aren't anything amazing. Stick with more awesome flavors, like Fiery Habañero and the like.

Update: I'm a hypocrite, and did a little digging. I now know what the flavor is SUPPOSED to be, but I completely disagree. A lot. They're still super-lime and kinda sweet.

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Taco Bell Cheesy Double Beef Burrito

What's more dense than The Arches Cluster, cheesier than Chester Cheetah singing Rick Astley songs on a tour of the Eau Galle Cheese Factory, has more rice than a Fast and the Furious DVD box set, and is double-beefier than... Uh...

Double beefer... Beefier... Uhh... Hrm.

Crap. I don't even have a reference point for double-beefier. I totally screwed that up. I can't even twist that around using something super obscure.

Double beefier than... Two cows... Um... Oh. Two cows... On steroi... no, that's dumb.

Dammit. I suck.

Seriously. I HAD this! I totally blew it. Like a George Michael... joke?

Shit.

To hell with it. Taco Bell has this thing, it's got a lot of beef and cheese and rice in it. It's 89 cents, and it's tasty. And dense. It's very filling, and it's cheap. You should go buy it, and eat it, because it's tasty.

I lamented the loss of the Cheesy Beefy Melt greatly. This is close, but no cigar. But it will do until Taco Bell listens to the masses and brings the CBM back to glory. Instead of melted cheese and sour cream, they're just slapping some nacho sauce in there, and leaving out the crema. It works though.

As tiny and cheap as they are, you'd probably think to yourself, "self, this is tiny and cheap. I probably need like 5 of them to get my fill". This is completely false. I had 2, and thought I was going to die. Blame it on the rice, or the slightest bending of space and time, but these little bastards pack a filling punch.

I ate these yesterday, and didn't think to take any pictures of them, because I was actually hungry, but here's the press shot to hold you over. It's a burrito.



I'll give you a hint, the actual product looks less like this, and more like a bunch of crap a Taco Bell magical dwarf slopped into a tortilla shell.

Texture: The cheese sauce makes everything nice and kinda-smooshy, and the rice brings it back up. It's a roller-coaster of textural delight. But it's Taco Bell still.

Taste: The cheese sauce makes everything nice and cheesy-tasting, and the rice tastes rice-y. It's a roller-coaster of tastural delight. But it's Taco Bell still.

JK Score: 6.5/10 It's honestly a little boring, but it's still good. All the ingredients just harmonize together and work, but it's nothing amazing. And as far as the taste/filling/value calculations go, you really can't beat it if you're poor and hungry. Will get again.

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Oops

Site's back. Sorry about that. I borked the database logins working on another site.

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McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich

Things the new McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich has in it's favor:

1) It is not directly associated with any country singers.

2) Butter. If it's something Paula Deen is onboard with, you've gotta be an evil, evil person (or Calista Flockhart, who may be included in the prior, I'm not saying, but...you know) to not appreciate anything with butter.

3) Some dude on the (purple) box that looks like he's about to score with some capri-pants-wearing hobag. You go, playa.




Things the new McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich has going against it:

1) That same awesome, purple box is pressuring me to "Savour", (which is clearly a Canadian word) my Southern Style Chicken. Maybe they mean Toronto when they refer to Southern Style. I'm confused now. Did this chicken sammich illegally cross some borders? Am I aiding and abetting? Crap. I didn't even know. I hope it's not a coke-filled mule.



One way to find out, the dissection:


That's it, man. Not a whole lot to see here. Looks like they're going for the less-is-more-Canadian-awesome vibe here, vis-a-vis (French!) Chick-fil-A.

Texture: It's chicken. More specifically, it's Chick-fil-A. That nice, not-over-battered coating, pretty moist inside. Pretty nice chicken. Standard-issue McDonald's burger bun, though.

Taste: It's chicken. More specifically, it's Chick-fil-A. With a McDonald's bun. Seriously. It's pretty damn close. I haven't had Chik-fil-A in a while, but it's just how I remember it, maybe a little "butter-y-er". And no waffle fries. :( But, McDonald's is open on Sunday.

JK Score: 8/10 I really like the chicken itself, but the bun throws it off, I keep expecting a cheeseburger. It's a reasonable facsimile of Chik-Fil-A though, which I freakin love, so I'll get it again, but I'll lament the lack of waffle fries. On the other hand, I can get this on a Sunday, at least.

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Q&A with JK, Volume I (LMNOP)

It would be really awesome to start this entry out with "We at TJE get multiple thousands of emails daily, inquiring about different aspects of the site and the culinary community on the whole."

...

I don't, though.

I really get little to no mail. It's sad, kinda.

So in lieu of the traditional Q&A, where people ask me questions, and I actually answer them, I'm just going to dig through my site statistics, dig up Google search phrases that ultimately directed people to my site, and then answer the question they were asking originally, because most searches that land here have little to do with the original search.

Search Phrase: "difference between the breakfast and the mcskillet"
Where Google Probably Sent Them: McSkillet Burrito Review
The Real Answer: Really, there is no difference at all. At least not 15 years in the future, where I'm writing this section of this post from. McDonald's has completely taken over the entire breakfast food industry, forcing all cereal, fruit, cold pizza, and bagel manufacturers completely out of business, via violent, and often bloody, coups. So really there is no difference between The McSkillet and The Breakfast, because The McSkillet is The Breakfast(TM). If anyone tells you different, they're either lying, or will be dead within 2 days.


Search Phrase: "pudding pile"
Where Google Probably Sent Them: Chocolate Mix Skittles Review
The Real Answer: At 10:30 Saturday night come to the corner of 32nd and Green with $240. Knock on the 2nd door on your left, labeled "DOOR". I didn't label it, it was already like that. Really not sure why. Anyway, knock on the door. The password is "Mick Jagger" when the guy asks. There, you will find your pudding pile. For an example, click play below.


Search Phrase: "can i feed my dog shrimp chips"
Where Google Probably Sent Them: To the most unholy crap ever. Review.
The Real Answer: What the hell is wrong with you, man? I mean, are you just trying to piss off your dog? Do you want him to pee under your desk and poop on your keyboard while you sleep? Because he knows you got the idea from the internet. Or China. But your dog can't go to China, because he doesn't have a passport. And even if he did, he doesn't know when you're going back to China, much less where you're going. Unless you leave an itinerary out. So I guess the answer is technically "yes", just keep your computer locked up and don't let your dog know where you're going. Ever. Because odds are he'll poop there. Your dog DO NOT WANT shrimp chips. Trust me.

Search Phrase: "how to tell what kind of person by what candy bar they eat"
Where Google Probably Sent Them: Probably to the main page, where there's a variant of this.
The Real Answer: This one's easy. If they're eating a candy bar that's made of blood, puppies, baby souls, and has John Tesh on the wrapper, they're most likely a bad person. Otherwise they're cool. Unless it's some dumb Soy-pseudo-food candy bar. Then they're most likely a hippie.

Search Phrase: "what's the shelf life of dinty moore and similar canned good"
Where Google Probably Sent Them: Grant's Canned Haggis
The Real Answer: Dinty Moore doesn't actually have a shelf life, per say, it's more of a shelf half-life, like plutonium. The shelf half-life of most Dinty Moore products is in the 22 year range, meaning that your children can enjoy that beef stew after binge drinking some night in the future, but it will only be half as awesome. Fortunately, they'll be plowed, so they won't be able to taste it. They'll also puke in your trash can and not tell you.

Search Phrase: "caramel bad for the human body"
Where Google Probably Sent Them: Actually, back to the Choco-Skittles again it looks like.
The Real Answer: Obviously, taken internally, it's perfectly safe, even at high concentrations. Just ask Kirstie Alley. If applied topically, though, it's a different story. This is actually how George Wendt died. "But George Wendt isn't dead", you may say. Well, this section of my post is written from the future again, so suck it. Trust me, you don't want the details on this one, either. Very sad, very gross. Lots of screaming, and seagulls. Horrid.

Search Phrase: "does saki ika go bad"
Where Google Probably Sent Them: Back to the unholy bowels of the squid post.
The Real Answer: Trick question. Saki Ika never actually goes good.

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Archives

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About JK

JK eats stuff. You should care what he thinks about some of the oddball stuff he eats. It's fun.

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