Things JK Eats

Bigass Orange Gummy Bear0 Vote

Mar 31st, 2010

by JK.

2 comments

Big bear! Big bear chase me!

…and… be orange flavored. And gummy.

It was bound to happen. The irradiation of all of our food items, while making them nice and glossy and longer-lasting, was bound to have side effects. And sadly, the first to be affected are always the gummy bears.

Seriously. It’s sad.

Also, they’re apparently the first food items to be put in Han Solo-style tombs and displayed in the prize area at Dave & Busters. I can’t into the specific details of how so many superflourous tickets were acquired, but let’s just say I’m not proud of the things I did for a bucket of paper scraps.

People of the court, if you will… Exhibit A: “Bear in plastic”

It's like a regular gummy bear....but all individually wrapped. Oh, and huge.

Upon closer inspection, you will also see that this particular neon-orange bear is, oddly enough, “Orange Flavor”.

I has an Orange Flavor

And just for the sake of proving the validity of the “Bigass” portion of my statement regarding the bear, I present Exhibit A, alongside Exhibit B, which I call “cat”, for scale and proportion.

No kitty, that's my pot pie... Err.. Giant nasty gummy bear thing.

Flip the badboy upside down, and you’ll see the “Nutrition” facts. I put that in swarmy quotes because the single bear contained within has OVER A THOUSAND FUGGING CALORIES. Oh, according to some savvy conversions it weighs about 3/4 of a pound.

This is some serious-ass gummy here.

...so I cheat a little on my Atkins diet.

I’m going to preface the unveiling and consumption video below with two statements:
1) I’m freakin tired, easily distracted, and not completely sure what I’m doing.
2) The audio goes completely out of sync at the end. Sorry.

…yah. It’s gummy.

I seriously took one more bite out of the thing about 5 minutes post-video, and had to spit it out. It’s just too much sugar. I mean… wow.

Texture: Hah. Hah. As you can see in the vid, it’s definitely gummy. And by gummy, I mean more dense than and chewier than Abe Vigoda.

Cuz… He’s chewy. Like a fox. Did I mention I’m tired?

Seriously? The thing is chewier than all get-out, and has the consistency of one of those gummy erasers. If you tried to eat one. Which… You shouldn’t.

Taste: It’s orange for damn sure. Smells like orange Jello… tastes like… really, really, sweet orange gummy. Just stupid sweet. Also like Abe Vigoda.

JK Score: 3/10 It gets points for performing as advertised, but anything I can’t consume more than two bites of automatically gets docked. I mean, given the dietary info, it’s probably not a bad thing necessarily, but c’mon. Plus my jaw hurts. From two bites.

Posted in: Uncategorized.

Doritos 3rd Degree Burn Scorchin’ Habanero0 Vote

Mar 7th, 2010

by JK.

2 comments

Anyone that knows me, knows 3 things about me:

1) I’m not proud of my third nipple, but I’m not ashamed of it, either.
2) I served two tours in ‘Nam.
3) I like spicy crap.

Seriously. Give me a nuclear Bloody Mary with Dave’s Insanity Sauce after a heavy night of drinking, and I’m one happy camper. Really, I’m like George…

I’m generally pretty bummed out when I find something labeled “Hot” in the grocery store or in a fast food setting. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s that people are hot wusses.

So when I saw these pretties sitting on the shelf at my local 7-11, I grabbed them.

Whoomp. There it is. Or they are. I guess it depends if we're referring to the bag, singular, or chips, plural. Either way, whoomp.

… Because I needed a reason to post a new entry. Sue me.

Upon removal from the bag, and pointless macro photography, you see they are basically Doritos, only redder than red. Even more red than the Diablo Enchilada chips, if that’s even possible.

Red, red, holy crap red. Or as they say in Spanish, "rojo, rojo, holy crap rojo." I think. I suck at Spanish.

And then since Mr. Doritos bag was promising the 3rd Degree Burn, I decided to give the bag the 3rd degree…

Does Marsallus Wallace look like a bitch?

There was a good 20 minutes of thorough interrogation. It ended up with me getting all sorts of great information, including the knowledge that these are, in fact, a bag of Doritos, and Doritos, by design, don’t respond well to any sort of questioning. Because they’re chips. And not people.

Oh well.

Texture: I’m not sure why I even bother. They’re fucking Doritos. They feel very Dorito-y in your mouth.

Taste: A little nacho-y, only sweeter, is the best I can describe. You stop caring once the burn hits. Nice delay behind it, but once it it hits, it hits hard. These chips, my friends, are hot. Eat a lot in succession, and you’ll be sweating, and have your sinuses cleared. Yes. They’re hot. They nailed it. Finally.

JK Score: 9/10 I killed the entire (99 cent) bag in one sitting, fairly quickly. They made me sweat and my nose run. It was awesome. I’m deducting a point for them making me look like a wuss.

Posted in: Snacks/Chips.

Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s0 Vote

Feb 2nd, 2010

by JK.

No comments yet

This is the part where I rant about how much things are derivative now, and excessively link back to previous posts. Just for the record. That should be here. But I’m lazy.

So… Yah. They’re M&M’s… Peanut butter M&M’s obviously, which is a non-original derivitive itself (but freakin’ tasty, and quite possibly my favorite of the ’semi-original’ M&M… flavors? Are they considered flavors?

Sure. Flavor. Love me some PB M&M’s.

I just realized how much this entry sucked. Sorry about that. I’m sitting here eating these things trying to figure out WTF is wrong with them.

Oh. Um, pictures… Seriously… What the hell is goin on here?

Sorry, sorry.

Pictures. Right. Dude. What IS that flavor? Uh…

Oh. Here’s the package of them.

And you rip it open, so it says “Peanut Butt” on the one part, and it’s awesome.

Texture: Standard-issue peanut butter M&M’s going on here.

Taste: I’m still confused. Seriously.

DUDE.

CRUNCHBERRIES.

Thank god. That was gonna drive me insane. Ok, so… They taste like Crunch Berries. So, if you can’t find the “Strawberried” PB M&M’s, just grab a bag of regular M&Ms, a box of Crunch Berries… Seperate all the ‘berries’ (or buy the awesome “Oops! All Berries” if it still exists) and throw the whole mess in your mouth. Same exact thing.

Seriously. I’m glad I figured that out. Wow.

JK Score: 6/10 Seriously, Crunch Berries. It’s overpowering, it’s weird, and it doesn’t work. Kinda like Lady Gaga.

Posted in: Candy.

Bacon MotherEffin’ Waffles.3 Vote

Jan 23rd, 2010

by JK.

1 comment

BACON.

WAFFLES.

Yes, it’s derivative.

Yes, it’s fucking awesome.

BACON.

WAFFLES.

BACON. WAFFLE. DAMMIT.

I’m not even reviewing these.

10. Done. Awesome.

Posted in: Bacon!, Restaurants.

Hickory Farms Beef Summer Sausage (aka The Consolation Sausage)5 Vote

Jan 11th, 2010

by JK.

1 comment

A glancing backstory: my wife left me last summer, we got divorced. It sucked, I moved on, and am much, much happier and better off now. The end.

That’s it. Now you’re completely up to speed.

So, I come home from work a few days before Christmas and have a long UPS box on my porch. It’s from the ex-in-laws (is that the correct title?). It’s a 32oz Hickory Farms Beef Summer Sausage. “Sorry our daughter sucks, here’s two pounds of processed beef in a paper casing” was the implied message. At least that’s how I took it.

They say that divorce is hardest on the children. Lies. Dirty, filthy lies. It’s hardest on the meat purveyors. Packaging awkward sympathy alongside beef, seasoning, hickory smoke flavoring, Sodium Erythorbate, and Sodium Nitrate isn’t an easy task for mere mortals. So, my apologies to the folks at Hickory Farms for being dragged through this sordid process. I know it’s not easy.

Just know, Hickory Farms, it had nothing to do with you, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

Since I am but one man, I jumped the gun and chopped the 2-pound beeflog beast into more managable ziploc-sized chunks before thinking to take a picture of it. Honestly, photographing 2lb beef sticks was the farthest thing from my mind. There’s a porno joke in there somewhere, I just can’t seem to completely bring it full circle though. Just know it wasn’t lost on me.

Anyway, here’s a shitty stock photo of Consolation Sausage:

Not pictured: pain and anguish.

And after popping it out from its protective casing and slicing it up into lovely lonely-cracker-sized pieces:

I swear it’s not staged. Every single piece I cut has that. It’s like the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese in every piece. I’m actually amazed it’s not crying beef blood. Or Sodium Nitrate blood.

Texture: Gritty, a bit scarred. Coarse, even. Twinges of awkward throughout.

Taste: Slightly bitter. The occasional hint of failure and embarrassment, and overall very dry. Oh, and meat. I guess it has meat flavors in it.

JK Score: 9/10 Why so high? Because, honestly, despite all the Consolation Sausage’s misgivings, the intent was… assumedly benign, and well, sue me, I like Summer Sausage. Plus, had the sausage no need to exist, I wouldn’t be where I am today. So, yah. Go sausage!

Posted in: General.

Taco Bell Beefy 5 Layer Burrito5 Vote

Dec 26th, 2009

by JK.

3 comments

So, Taco Bell, those masters of re-hash, have done it again. They took something that’s basically exactly the same as 79% of the rest of their menu, threw some nacho cheese sauce on it, a “New!” label, and BAMMO! Nirvana achieved, seas part, balloons fall, profits rise, and I eat it.

In that order.

To be completely honest with you, Taco Bell can really do no wrong in my eyes. They could take some cheese, melt it, wrap it in a tortilla, and I’d gladly eat it and love it, and pay almost a dollar for it, because I… Well, because I do that. And the cheesy roll-up is great. AND I HAVE NO DAMN CLUE WHY.

But I digress.

Not to be confused with its distant cousin, the 7-Layer Burrito, which, while awesome, is one of the few meatless items on the TB menu (ironically, the fat/cal count is the same for both), the TBB5LB (we’re tight, so I’m using his initials) makes its beefy-ness/meaty-ness known… by putting “Beefy” in its title.

It’s not all in a name though. Where the TBB5LB also differs from its wussy vegetarian cousin is in the construction and execution. What the name fails to infor the eater of here, is that yes… there’s 5 layers. Yes, there’s beefy-ness. Yes, it is, in fact, a burrito. What it fails to mention is the addition of NACHO CHEESE SAUCE.

And not only that, but it’s been separated by a secondary tortilla layer of lovin’.

And that, my friends, is awesome. Only because by adding that secondary layer, they’ve completely isolated the nacho cheese taste-sation into its own little realm of awesome. And that’s the coup de gras here. Had they slapped all that crap into a burrito singulartity, I would have to say, “Meh.”

But alas, the clever bastards at Taco Bell have some of the world’s finest food architects on staff apparently. And by howdy, are those mofos smart at stuff.

…Specifically, burrito awesomness. I’m wondering if they get Burrito Awesomeness Awards or something. If they don’t, I will start a petition demanding recognition in this strenuous field.

I’m babbling. Here’s how Taco Bell sees the TBB5LB it their mind’s eye:

5layerpromo

Here’s how I see it after ripping it apart in my own eye:

5layeropen

Texture: Like I said, that extra layer really makes the whole thing. You get to really FEEL the cheese sauce, which is much dirtier-sounding than it really is. I think. Regardless, after that, it’s standard-issue beef/bean/cheese/cream burrito action.

Taste: One last time, that nacho sauce makes the whole damn thing. MAKES IT AWESOME, I mean. Yah, it’s good. I dig it.

JK Score: 9/10 Let the record show, that for $0.89, you get actually a fair amount of awesome. I was surprised at how big this dude was. It’s a new era in cheap nasty tastiness.

Posted in: Fast Food.

New Site0 Vote

Dec 11th, 2009

by JK.

3 comments

Just a friendly random site-promotion:

A lot of people mis-email me. I got sick of it, so I started screwing with people.
Results are here: http://www.wrongaddy.com

Also, be sure to check out http://www.omeglechats.com where other people randomly screw with…other… people. Yah.

-JK

Posted in: News.

Bissli Falafel Flavored Wheat Party Snacks3 Vote

Nov 16th, 2009

by JK.

No comments yet

You know what I freakin’ love?

Wheat party snacks from Israel that are flavored like fried chickpeas… AND ARE FUCKING VAMPIRES.

Seriously. So good.

Oh. AND VAMPIRE-ISH. Like, you know, as in the blood-sucking dudes who get killed by Blade? (Or Buffy, pick your poison). I’m talking real, hardcore, honest to jeebus vampiric Tel Aviv-sourced party snacks here, people. None of this Twilight crap. REAL. VAMPIRE. WHEAT. SNACKS.

Oh, and they’re cholesterol free too. Which is always nice, because the last thing you want when you’re dying by the hands of a Falafel-flavored Nosferatu is high cholesterol. No one wants that combo.

Oh, the photographical tour of bla bla bla whatever is in order, I reckon.

Peep this. It’s a bag of the crap I’m fixin’ to eat.

Bag O' Falafel... thingers. AND DEATH.

The individual harbringers of doom and blood-suckiness are individually pretty small. Sorta like FUCKING VAMPIRE BATS. DON’T THINK IT’S A COINCIDENCE.

Aw, so cute and innocent and blood-sucky.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking now. I’ll even put it in presumptuous quotes. Check it.

“Oh, but JK, why ever do you declare these seemingly normal and delicious-looking snacks to be of the blood-sucking variety, by chance?”

Simple, my fair… uh, I guess southern-belle-talking-person in my head..

Peep it.

A WITCH! er... A VAMPIRE! BURN IT!

There you have it. Indisputable evidence that these snacks are undead and “vant your blaaad.”

Or, alternatively, I’m an idiot and was reaching desperately for some hook/premise after looking at these damn things in my pantry for a couple months trying to figure out some angle to work.

Take your pick.

Texture: Definitely on the crunchy side, and kinda dense. But to be fair, these came from flippin’ Israel, sat on a store shelf for who-knows-how-the-hell long, and then in my pantry for another 6 months. So they’re probably just stale. Lucky for me, they don’t believe in expiration dates in Israel. So we’ll never know.

Taste: It took me a while to figure this one out. Starts off as a very, very bland Funyun , and kinda lingers and hangs out for a bit, then tastes like a bit like Falafel at the very end.

JK Score: 7/10 I’m basing this on the fact that I like Funyuns and Flalfel, your mileage may vary. I’ll disregard the vampire aspect for the sake of keeping scores fair across the board. I’d eat these again.

Posted in: International/Exotic, Snacks/Chips.

Snickers Fu***0 Vote

Oct 12th, 2009

by JK.

No comments yet

I’ve had it up to here with the censorship in America today.

If those brilliant bastards at Mars want to sell a Snickers Fuck, they should be able to. Why they tried putting out a candy bar called Snickers Fuck, I have no idea. But “The Man” shouldn’t be keeping fine purveyors of chocololate-liciousness bound by stupid censorship regulations. This is a free country, dammit.

Here’s the crap I’m talking about:

Oh wait. It smells like fudge. Oh. Shit. I get it. Nevermind.

So… Uh… Snickers Fudge. New angle. Um… “Yah, hey, how about all those damn Snickers variants?”

I feel like I’ve been down this road before.

Oh. That’s right. I have. Here. And here.

You know what’s weird? I don’t even like Snickers that much. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with em, but I can’t think of any time I’ve actually craved one.

Oh well. Let’s cut this open, eat it, and rate it. Or something.

IMG_1440 [tje]

So, basically, they took a Snickers… Removed the caramel… And put in MOTHERFUDGING FUDGE.

High hopes, I has them.

I’m goin in.

Texture: Caramel is one of those things that’s pretty fundamental about a Snickers. Remove that, and it doesn’t feel like a Snickers anymore. The fudge layer is pretty soft luckily, but it’s not the same. The nougat is much more pronounced because of the lack of caramel.

Taste: This bastard is RICH. But it all works. The nougat with the fudge is a bit of an odd combo, but after the first bite, you appreciate it. Almost a mocha-coffee flavor at the end. It’s neat.

JK Score: 9/10 I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t have the biggest sweet tooth in the world. But this thing fudging rules my hiney.

Posted in: Candy.

Bacon Gumballs4 Vote

Oct 11th, 2009

by JK.

1 comment

OK, so I like bacon. I think this much is obvious. I’ve actually had bacon for breakfast both Saturday and Sunday this weekend. My apartment smells of the glory that is bacon, and visitors to my humble abode are both amazed and astounded. “Where did you get that incredible air freshener?”, they ask. To that I say, “Dude. It’s fucking bacon. It rules.”

Then we sit in silence for a minute and ponder the meaning of life, because that’s a common bonding experience among people who smell bacon together. It’s glorious.

Here’s the one problem with bacon being incredibly awesome…

…It’s gone too far.

There. I said it. Due to the widespread popularity and awesome-icity of bacon, “The Man” (you know who you are) is capitalizing on our love, and bacon-izing everything.

At first glance, as a purveyor and appreciator of all things bacon, you’d probably think I’d be on board with this. And I was. But even I have my limits.

I mean, they’re WAY out there, but I have them. Seriously. I think I hit the wall on my bacon experimentation for the time being. I’m going to swear my life to a pure bacon existence, free of gimmicks, and artificial….stuff.
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I present to you, Xzibit A:

Bacon Gumballs.

Yup. I’m serious. See?

So sweet and innocent...

And then inside, we have all 22 of the little bastards accounted for.

They smell horrible. I can't think of a witty caption, they just smell like ass.

Upon opening the tin, you get the smell of… Ass. Seriously. These things smell god-awful. And strong. I seriously could see a weak-stomached person puking after taking a deep whiff of these bastards. I’ve got a strong-ass gag reflex, and I can’t stand smelling these. Wow. I can’t wait to put one in my mouth.

Woo!!!

Luckily, they’re tiny.

Texture: Well, for the 2 seconds it was in my mouth, it felt like a normal, run-of-the-mill gumball. OF DEATH.

Taste: The video above speaks for itself. Fucking horrible. Wow. I’ll have nightmares about that.

JK Score: 0/10 Yep. The only reason I’d hold onto the rest of these is to let my drunk friends try. When they’re really drunk. And need to vomit. Or if they piss me off. Wow.

Posted in: Bacon!, Candy.

Things JK Eats

Bigass Orange Gummy Bear0 Vote

Doritos 3rd Degree Burn Scorchin’ Habanero0 Vote

Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s0 Vote

Bacon MotherEffin’ Waffles.3 Vote

Hickory Farms Beef Summer Sausage (aka The Consolation Sausage)5 Vote

Taco Bell Beefy 5 Layer Burrito5 Vote

New Site0 Vote

Bissli Falafel Flavored Wheat Party Snacks3 Vote

Snickers Fu***0 Vote

Bacon Gumballs4 Vote

Things JK Types (aka Twitter)

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