Bacon Pancakes (Yes... Bacon MotherEffin' Pancakes)
I don't even know how I could sully such a glorious item with inane banter.So I'm gonna shoot straight. The Original Pancake House (http://www.originalpancakehouse.com/) has THE BEST stuff on earth.
They're pancakes. WITH MOTHER EFFIN' BACON IN THEM.
You following me on this? This isn't pancakes with a side of bacon, or bacon ON pancakes. This is bacon... INSIDE of pancakes.
Allow me to illustrate.
See? Awesome. They rule. Find some. Then eat them. Then tell me how awesome they are. Because I'll agree with you.
Texture: They're pancakes... WITH BACON IN THEM.
Taste: They're pancakes... WITH FREAKING BACON INSIDE OF THEM.
JK Score: 10/10 THEY ARE FUCKING PANCAKES, WITH FUCKING BACON IN THEM.
Also, the staff at The Original Pancake House in Denver's Tech Center location were very nice, attentive, and awesome. And gave me an extra PANCAKE WITH MOTHER LOVIN' BACON IN IT.
The Original Pancake House
8000 E. Belleview
Greenwood Village, Colorado 80111
303-224-0093
25 Jun, 2009 | JK | Leave comment - 3 -
Doritos Flavor Shots
Editor's note: Seriously, this is my last Doritos entry for a while. I can't help it if they keep raising the awesome/stupid bar, though.You know what I love? Jeff Goldblum in "The Fly". Willem Defoe, no matter how creepy he is normally, in "Spiderman 2", and kinda 3. Kevin Bacon in "Hollow Man". Kevin Bacon in "Flatliners". Whoever played the green guy in those shitty Incredible Hulk movies.
And you know why?
Power-drunk insanity makes me hot. And I love Kevin Bacon apparently.
All these dudes take something potentially awesome, go power-crazy, overdose, and fuck it all up for your entertainment.
Ugh. I already hate the premise I picked, because I know what's coming up.
Alright. I have no clue if these are new or not, but I've never seen them before this morning:
So, they're Doritos, right? And there's a flavor packet inside. Think about that for a minute, while we do the photo tour.
Take a peek inside the bag there. We've got some Doritos... And wait, what's that? Is that a prize?
Booya.
and inside this packet of love...
And the chips, for whatever reason are standard-issue Nacho Cheese Doritos.
Ok, tour's over. Have you considered what we have on our hands here?
...
DIY Mother-Effing Doritos. We've reached a new level as a civilization today, people. This is the single most empowering invention in the history of man.
Every man, woman, and child can decide EXACTLY how much flavor they want on their Doritos. (Except for the pre-defined amount of Nacho for whatever reason)
This could be the answer to world peace.
....
....
I should probably, you know, put all the flavor one one chip. It would be flavor of the purest form. Flavor nirvana. Flavor Flav. I can handle it. I've been doing like, research and stuff. CSI dramatic science music music played the entire time, so I know it was legit.
To be completely honest with you, there's absolutely zero indication on the bag explaining how the innocuous flavor packet is actually supposed to be used. Maybe dump it in the bag and toss it like a salad? I dunno.
Since I'm an idiot...
Just to test the waters, I pinched a little of the love powder off and put it on a single chip. It was actually hot for a Dorito seasoning. I also apparently got some in my nose because I sneezed like crazy. I also figured out that consuming the entire packet in one shot would probably make me puke my ass off. So I decided to baby step bite through it.
Bite one...
HOLY.. GRAPACHAKJSF. Very powdery, very buffalo-y. My mouth went instantly dry. I cried.
Bite two...
I decided to just man up and finish the fool off. On video because I care.
About 10 minutes later, I have heart burn. I never get heart burn. This sucks.
To top it all off, I didn't get any kick-ass super powers or go completely insane. :( (even though it looks like I may have started to in the video)
Texture: (with a little bit) It's a flippin' Dorito. With extra powder on it.
Texture: (with the rest on it) It's a flippin Dorito. With ungodly amounts of hell on it. That sucks your soul and all the liquid from your body instantly. And you're left chewing on powder. And DEATH.
Taste: (with a little on it) Basically a Nacho Cheese Dorito... With a small kick to it. Pretty nice, actually.
Taste: (with the rest on it) Basically a Nacho Cheese Dorito... WITH THE FIRES FROM HELL UPON IT. Seriously, it was hot. And I like hot shit. And there was more cheese flavor in there for some forsaken reason.
JK Score: (averaged): !DIVIDE BY ZERO I suck at math. It's an 8 with normal-people amounts, and -489 with the rest of the packet on there. Whatever that works out to.
12 Jun, 2009 | JK | Leave comment - 5 -
Doritos Diablo Enchilado
Ole!Check it out. I'm keeping things semi-seasonal-related still. Cinco De Mayo is just around the corner, and I happened upon some awesome-looking Doritos at my local store, so I was all "hell yah".
Seriously. Hell yah. There's a DEVIL on the bag. And he's ON FIRE. Because he's a BADASS. Oh, and he looks happy too, for some reason.
And can you blame him? I mean, if I were Beelzebub (not to be confused with BeetleJuice from the Stern Show), I imagine I'd be pretty sick of the standard wheelin' dealin' for souls, keeping house in Hell, and making sure Ashton Kutcher somehow stayed relevant.
I'd be ready for a freaking Doritos bag spot.
Obviously much more coveted than the front of a Wheaties box, how many people get to be on the front of a Doritos bag?
I'll tell you how many.
NONE, BITCH.
Unless, of course, you're willing to get your nuts crushed and are Japanese. Then they make exceptions, apparently:
But let's remove them from the stats. Because really, who wants to be spun around by their legs with a foot firmly planted on the family jewels just to make the cover of a bag of Doritos?
Not Satan, I'll tell ya that. He's got a good agent. No need for such tomfoolerly. Make Doritos work on your terms, that's hardcore, and I respect it fully.
Let's see how I respect the chips.
According to my 4 years of high school espaņol (Thanks, Bonita!), I'm looking at some "Devil Enchilada" Doritos.
Well, that explains the devil on the bag at least.
Upon cracking open the bag, you get Doritos. Duh.
THE REDDEST DORITOS ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!
Seriously. So red. Or, should I say... "rojo"? Que lastima!
Texture: Seriously? It's a Dorito.
Taste: Oddly enough, pretty much like an enchilada. Dorito's mad scientists have perfected the art of making things taste like things for the most part. As far as Diablo goes... It's pretty hit or miss. For the most part, there's not much heat at all to them, but once in a while, you get one that's a scorcher.
That's most likely Old Scratch screwing with ya.
JK Score: 7/10 Honestly, not too shabby. I couldn't rip through a mass of these like I could some Cool Ranch, but they're pretty tasty. If I run across them again, I'd be apt to pick em up.
21 Apr, 2009 | JK | Leave comment - 2 -
Double Bypass (at the Heart Attack Grill)
Where to begin...Let me say that I took on this assignment based solely on the fact that The Heart Attack Grill is known for really good burgers. The staff had nothing to do with it. That being said...thank you JK for forcing me to go out an get a burger with one pound of beef, a regular coke, and some fries that are "deep fried in pure LARD".Usually to get a ton of photos of food here...and for good reason. But, I thought a few establishing shots would serve this review well. While the food (burger/fries/coke) is the star of the show at the grill, there are a few side dishes too!
The building is pretty unassuming until you get to the front door.
then inside
From there the fun begins..Much like In-N-Out Burger the menu is pretty straight forward and simple to remember. Single, Double, Triple, Quadruple Bypass 1-4 patties (duh) all of which are half pounders and are smothered in cheese.
Once you've settled on your "procedure"..your nurse sets the meal in motion. While waiting for the burger to arrive, if you so choose, you can treat yourself to a helping of "Flatliner Fries" as the sign states..."Deep fried in Pure Lard"
If soggy fries that have been deep fried in pure lard are your cup of tea...you may just die before the bypass. If you are a real glutton for punishment garnish the fries with salt and a man sized portion of mayo.
Now as much as I wish I could say that I was a real man and decided to try to clog my heart in one large burger soaked shot..I couldn't bring myself to try to demolish a Triple or Quad Bypass...so I went with the Double..and upon arrival, I almost cried. It was amazing.
Now in true TJE fashion I decided that the next best step would be to show off the grandeur of this meat mountain. Did I mention that the patties were half pounders? Well, they were and when you try to pick up the burger you feel like you are actually working through the meal!
Speaking of the meal if you are the guy (like I am) who will go out and order copious amounts of meat and pasta and sugar filled desserts and still settles for a Diet Coke...tough. Here you have a few choices but the word Diet appears nowhere. Coke, Water, Jolt, Corona, Bud...and a full bar at the back are the limits of what you can order (there is also a $21 Margarita on the menu). But i settled for the simple Double, Flatliner Fries, and a Coke
As big ass burgers go...the weight of the double makes it a two hand job. I have no idea how I would have even attempted the Quad Bypass! (FYI--Joey Chestnut polished off a Double in 1min 47 seconds)
A lot longer than 2min later I finally made it to the last bite and was able to sit back and think about what had just happened. I had just put a pound of meat, two cokes, and god only knows how many fries into my body. Now I am a big boy (280lbs) but thankfully I didn't qualify for the free meal program (350lbs and up eat free all day every day). The strange thing was that I felt full but I also didn't feel like I had stuffed myself. Granted I think I would have exploded if I had even one more fry. I didn't feel like I thought I was going to die. The thought did cross my mind when I walked in..but that was a heart attack of a different sort.
Before we get to the ranking...two last photos to share..one of Elise...our (I got my father to join in the fun) nurse.
the other of the Heart Attack Grill's "Diet Program" The best part is the fine print at the bottom that says, "Arizona State Law requires us to notify you that members of our staff are not actually certified Nurses." Really!!!!
Starting off with the ambiance:
10/10 -- there is something to be said for taking the "Diet program/nurse thing" to the limit. From the outfits to the fact that there are mirrors under the counter. Not sure if they are there to give the customers another look at the wait staff...or if they are there for the nurses to keep an eye on the wierdo customers who are always there with cameras a plenty.
Food:
Burgers 9/10 -- As the burger itself goes...perfectly done. Not under done, not over done, but just right. The slight over toast on the bun even worked. The only reason that I can't go to a full 10 is that Bacon wasn't even an option! Only down side is that I had to run through a full brick of napkins...apparently when you get upwards of a pound of beef you also get the same volume of grease.
Fries 8/10 -- They are so good that they could actually be deadly. Deep Fried in Lard = Mmmmm. Personally I am all for the soggy fry, but there is also something to be said for having a little crunch in the fry basket. But, at $1.85 for all you can eat they were really good.
Drink N/A -- Can't really rank a coke..especially since I am really a Pepsi guy at heart.
All in all $9.25 for Burger, $1.85 for Fries, and $1.85 (x2) for drink. Not too bad. Give or Take $20 with tip. For a complete collection of Full Sized photos and some that didn't make the cut...check out my flickr page.
09 Mar, 2009 | jameshields | Leave comment - 5 -
Commentatstical!
Comments are re-enabled with a human-check process. Hopefully that will help with the spam issues.Yay.
-J
12 Feb, 2009 | JK | Leave comment - 0 -
Spam!
No, not the food, sorry. The site's commenting system is finally getting hit by spammers, which in some way, is a compliment I guess.Regardless, I'm disabling commenting on the site until I can get some other anti-spam stuff in place, probably tonight.
Love,
JK
11 Feb, 2009 | JK |